Sunday, 27 September 2015

Telugu blockbuster

I have decided to make a Telugu movie. I am sitting on choosing the category for the opening of the two halves.

Category one - Movie starts with the protaganist as a 9 year old. In a chaddi and a chequered half sleeves shirt. Then something bad happens. Cuts to actor's introductory scene.
I didn't chose the tapori life.


Category two - Movie starts with the introductory scene where nobody can make out why the protaganist is a dick head who beats rowdy looking guys to pulp. But don't worry flashback scene after interval will explain how something bad happened to him when he was just a kid, a 9 year old. In a chaddi and a chequered half sleeves shirt. And something bad happened.

Let's now abandon all reason and logic till I can be vindicated 20 fucking years later

Intro scene: Mahesh Sai Ram Charan Dharam Ravi Teja Nagendra Babooooooo, walks in and stands there for 12 minutes like a PR obsessed politician waiting for the camera to pan onto his face from 178 different angles, as the wind chooses to selectively blow onto only his hair and nothing else. He then slaps his thigh and the objects lying nearby settle into geosynchronous orbit.

Throw in a female actor somewhere thereabouts. Who, with her sense of dressing, oozes extremely high standards of maan, maryada and sushiltha. But don't be disappointed horn dogs, come a song sequence, we will spare her a few ounces of thread to cover censor board rules herself, as she prances around in nigh-zero locations, to tunes that don't matter, because skin.

The first half clearly has no connection to the beginning of the second half. In fact, the audience might leave the cinema hall if there are any. So keep the hauns coming.

However, there is a saving grace. Bramhanandam. Not his role, of course, just his acting prowess. Sadly you have to put up with seeing him humiliated through most of the movie by the protaganist or the villain.
Single handedly saving your asses

Last integral part - The larger-than-life-but-only-till-the-movie-climax villain. He smirks all through the movie like he just soiled his underwear and liked it.
I have greyed symmetrically and it reminds me of my skid marks.

But hold on you highly opinionated, forever pissed, sex deprived, schadenfreudian, open letter writing people with internet connections. I have already sensed the vibes of the audience and they are gonna buy none of your bat shit outrage.

Now leave me alone for a while, I will go try to fit a script in there somewhere.

Friday, 12 June 2015

The egg factory

I think I am turning into something. Not something dangerous. Not something dark - no that would have been cool. I am turning into something very weird. Something that I don't understand.

So this morning, I was at this restaurant called The egg factory where, well they make eggs. I like eggs. The thought of a nice sunny side up creeping up on me when I am super hungry is not something I can ignore.

Anyway, after the tiny-sized over-priced brunch, the waiter came back with my change after I had paid my bill. I was busy staring at twitter on my phone while actually contemplating the sophisticated realities of adult life that have befallen me, when he muttered something like

Waiter *nervously*: "Five rupees change you have to give"

Or something like that, which I did not hear correctly, but know now.

Me: " ' beg your pardon?"

Waiter *now almost shaking because his interaction with customer has gone for over 7 seconds*: "Five rupees...something something"

And then

Me: "I do not comprehend the nature of your predicament."
*adjusts monocle*

Waiter *blankly stares at me for 5 seconds while we both process what just happened*: "Sir we don't have five rupees. You please give."

WHY WOULD I SAY "I do not comprehend the nature of your predicament."


I am pretty sure normal people don't suddenly regurgitate things like that out of nowhere.

I was half wishing that he responded with

"Why sir art thou speaking like a humungous piece of self-glorified turd ball that you obviously are?"

Then I would have had some semblance of an atonement. But he didn't.

This and many other untold turd ball stories...

Saturday, 2 May 2015

And it's a girl

India: Twitter and Facebook users from the darkest, dingiest corners of an enchanted Kalispalya, Bangalore to Mandya's Achappan Kopplu were ringing with celebratory cheers
"   And it's a gurllllllll   ^_^   " 
because somewhere in Europe, a lady and a clean-shaven under-sized gorilla man, made a baby. Again.

Sensed a disturbance in the force? It was probably the sound of incoming Whatsapp messages like "Girl Roxxxxzzz Boy Shoxxxxzz", (prepared well in advance to suit either scenario).

TDH, wondering why the hue and cry over a seemingly mediocre news from a for-the-lulz-monarchy, headed over to the UK to find out, and we ran up against the father. He explained, that he is second in line and could be first in line (if the succession is leap-frogged), to be the "monarch" of the United Kindoms and the Commonwealth realms. India is among commonwealth realms.

However, he also explained, the baby was actually a big deal, because a normal man couldn't seduce a nun doing squats in a cucumber field, while looking like this-

Take a good look India. This could be your 'King'

While we agree that those teeth could be used to put the Kola Superdeep Borehole to shame, we still got in touch with the town crier Tony Appleton for some extra sound bites. And he proved to be a joyous and loyal servant.
Hear ye hear ye

Having fully understood Kalispalya's over-the-top obsession with the Royal baby, we headed back to India chanting 'Long live the queen'.

Thursday, 2 April 2015


I think all humans were all in a previous life some beasts that had some sort of sentience enough to know cruelty and indulged in the worst form of it capable. And then we were born as humans to suffer a higher form of sentience.

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Being human

Pluto's relentless march towards becoming a human and full blown denial of being a dog continues. He now uses a pillow.

Don't come to the dark side Pluto. It's a trap.

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Suspended in reality

I now walk over this shaky plank
when anchored far away from the bank
Jump with more a smile than a frown
and miss the planet on the way down

Darkness is now just a word
and alas, my cries went unheard
As I stand suspended and unfound
motionless in nirvana, making no sound

Somewhere my spirit still bleeds
of unspoken sorrow and missed deeds
My arms outreached to your gentle touch
but now it does not matter much

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Man over tiger

I remember way back around 1998, there was a hut near my house. A guy who lived there worked as a grass cutter at the Mysore zoo.

One unfortunate day, the gates to a tiger enclosure were accidentally left open when he was cutting grass on the open area meant for tiger. The tiger ventured out into the open and saw an unfamiliar scene of two numbnuts cutting grass in it's space. Predictably, it attacked this guy while his colleague climbed up a tree safely.

 A Garuda jeep passing through the area was alerted and immediately, the officers rushed in and opened fire on the tiger, killed it, thus saving the man. He would recover from his injures soon, so that he could return to being a wife-beating drunk.

Less than a year later, one night, while returning home drunk, he fell into a drain, smashed his head and died out of excessive bleeding. His wife Manjula, a 10th standard drop out, was given a job, her first, at the zoo as a clerk. She would go on to write SSLC which made her eligible to earn various promotions.

I couldn't help but feel that Manjula's financial stability, independence and a more peaceful existence was denied for an extra year by heroics of some Garuda officers who just like most of us, valued the life of just one of the billions of humans on earth, over that of the tiger, a species that barely number in thousands.  Waste of an innocent life of a magnificient animal, the tiger, that acted on natural instinct and also perhaps of a few government bullets.

A white tiger cools off in the water at a Zoological garden in New Delhi