Saturday, 13 December 2008

How to survive a Thriller movie? (Tutorial)

It was only a matter of time before the ultimate movie freak dished out a detail step-by-step survival guide for a horror/thriller movie!

Teaser : - " It could happen to you. In REAL. Who says its just in the movies? What if its closer to you than you think? What if your date with your grave is fixed? ahhhh!!!! "

This is not the guide to watch a scary movie and survive without an attack, but more so - survive if you are LIVING in an actual horror/thriller!
Wow! "Why would I need that? " I hear my reader ask. "What are the chances that will happen to me? " you say. Trust me my friend (or casual visitor who is not coming back to this site-ever!), horror movies are just commercial versions of real life incidents. Slightly more dramatised and over-the-top sound effects. Not to mention the girls who shout through their lungs throughout the movie!

Ok fine, all I said was crap, you will never live a horror movie, but no harm in being prepared right? Let's begin.

When do you know you are living in a scary/horror?







You are a teen/school/college kid:
Old people are for some reason not of huge interest to psycho killers. I have no idea why. They like going after young college people who are easier to kill(read: Dickheads).







My group-best group:
The average IQ of your group is just as much as half the cost of the items in the 99 cents store. If you couldn't compute how much that was, your group is fit for the stereotypical killer!







The Bad Omen:
In the very very beginning of your very own horror/thriller (Notice how I circulate the words scary-horror-thriller along this tutorial?), there is always a bad omen! Bad omen's are the things that actually make you go "Whoooaw...dude!! Like that was totally something man, did that really happen?? Whoooaw! "
For ex:
1)Somebody in your college dies! AND IT AIN'T YOU! Not even related to you.
2)You spot a snake or scorpion or something in your backyard/room/toilet and a macho dude(s) kills it and saves the day! Yay! People are disturbed.









Chicks and the scream quotient:
There are chicks. There are always chicks. It works even if there are only chicks(I wanna watch that movie), but never with only boys(Who would wanna watch that?).
It adds to the 'Ahhhhhhhhh hellllp -Factor ' . So if there are a lot of chicks running around...things are looking set.









More the scarier:
" Sorry bad photosop skills"
Now that there are so many people around you on the run up to your thriller...you need a reason right? It's usually like a-
Sleep over
Big booze party(A dumb guy and his money can throw one helluva party)
Camping trip
whatever?!
In essense - Further you are from help(police/people) , the closer you get to your scary movie.










No infrastructure:
Wherever you are gone now, the infrastructure is a mess. No Power. No water. Shortage of food.No Phone line.
"OMG whats the number to 100? oh forget it the telephone is dead! "









The "hilarious" trick:
"Oh help! Help! My hand is stuck in the blender...I AM GONNA DIE!!!!!....no I'm not, haha got you...I am so funny!"











The big scare:
Your movie has an audience. Or imagine you do. Now just check whether anything thats happening around ya is making them jump. Y'know...keeping 'em on the edge-0-their seats?

For example:
You are enjoying doing something you do every single day of your incredibly uneventful lives but todays something is very unusual and curious about the thing.

*Imaginary music in your ears: dum-da-dum...da-dum...da-dum.. *

Every thing about it is mysterious. Its your 6th sense working. No, not really its just the sound of the dry leaves just behind you. Somebody is there. Probably with a big big knife waiting to hack off a part of your body and leave you a bloody mess. Contrary to natural human instinct to back off and get cautious you show complete heroics and bravely move forward. You even shout "Who is there? This is not funny! "

*Music gets louder and more eerie *
Suddenly the person jumps from the behind the bush - you close your eyes and shout at back of your mind "Make it quick and painful PLEEEEASE!! "

But nothing happens..you open your eyes..and its just a harmless squirrel, nibbling on your nuts (Peanuts - Which you conveniently dropped moments ago - instead of eating!)









" RUN its a Blood-thirsty Super-dangerous baby Psycho-Squirrel RUNNN for your #uckin lives"




Ok, now that we know whether you are in mortal danger or not...lets proceed with the core of the tutorial.











Order of death!
Killers are psychos but organised neverthless..



1)The funny/black guy always dies first!
Nice guys finish last? Not in horror movies. Definitely not this guy!

There is no doubt about this one. The funny/black guy goes first. If you are funny, you better better be the killer for your own sake! (Not that I am not gonna die with laughter.)

If there are no blacks around, there must be some other guy from a minority that your country shows complete ignorance towards? Yeah? Rrrright. That's him. He's just gotta go man. After he was just in the movie to prove to people that the producers were not ignorant about the existence of his people. Now that he has served the purpose, he is useless.


You ain't this person? Then you shouldn't be anywhere around them either.

However if you are just as funny as the kinda guy in the picture above...you better stay away from me too, in case you ever run into me!















2)The horny couple
I'm done with the clowns - next stop Crash the mile-high aircraft!
9 out of 10 times, your horror movie has a horny couple in it!


A Horny couple









They are on the A-list of the killer's - "People to kill". Most suitable moment is when they sneak off from the rest of the group of boys and girls who are amazingly low on libido despite their youthful age and all sorts of trash talk which seem to have been flicked straight out of a teen movie!
So does he/she (The killer) finish off the couple when they are doing their thing? Naah..that's not fun! The killer, who is obviously psycho will wait (and 99 out of 100 times watch) in the dark until the action runs out!

Once they are done, one of them always go out of the scene(probably to "freshen up" or "ease themselves") and as you will later realise, never to return again. Most of the times, its the guy who dies first, because the girl has to come in search of him and then trip over his dead body in a bloody mess!

So what's the point?
If all signs say you are in a thriller - Don't go gung-ho! Or else the #ucker becomes the #uckee!

















3)That guy is such an angel...and oh how funny I should say that, cause he is dead!
There is a guy(/gal) who just seems to be sooo angelish! If anybody should survive this movie, it should be him(/her - fine I'll just say him, the Women's Welfare NGOs can assume a 'her'). He is not funny. He is not nice. But he is an angel. Nobody has a problem with him. Everybody is in praise of this bloke.
Well....He has "Kill me bloody" written all over him!


" Why god why him? "
"Pleased to meet you Mr.Killer, come join me and my stupid friends for a hot cup of coff...OUCH!! A simple 'NO' would have been enough"

Point: Don't be an angel. Don't be around angels!

















4)Jack and Jill went up the hill..but nobody came down!

Its the rest of the group now.

Nope..no sparks between Jack and Jill up the hill. Big chance they are dead! Especially if the lack of chemistry between Jack and Jill was shouting out to everybody around.

People keep going out for one reason or another...nobody is coming back. Unless you were a complete dipshit at math in school, you realise pretty fast that the number of stupid young kids in your vicinity has drastically gone down!




















I suggest this the time you stop worrying about the order of death and start worrying about saving your butt! How? Read on..

Weapons
I am not a NSG Commando but does it take one to tell you to find a weapon to defend yourself wise-ass?

The killer has his own array of weapons. He/she finds anything in the scene...axe/knife/spade/pencil

You better pick up your own too..axe/knife/spade....pencil! And keep switching weapons for a better one. Ideally, hide the one you wanna dispose off.(So that the killer cant find it numbskull)

Say you have a banana, a knife and a bazooka lying on the table in front of you, DON'T SELECT THE BANANA!
" Where have I heard that joke before? "

If you do, there ain't no thriller that's gonna be made outta your story...

























As safe as a straight guy in a gay lounge:

Ok, you ain't as brave as you pretend to be.
Who am I kidding you are a complete wuss!
You are screaming the sh!t outta your butt and running like mad for cover from the killer, because you just saw the dead ass of your best friend lying in the bathroom you just went to pee in. You are so smart that you just know that the killer is behind you...maybe still in the bathroom. Somewhere there!
You run into that garage that is thank-the-lord quite close by. You lock yourself from inside.
1)You bolt it
2)Use the key to lock it
3)Use a rope to tie it to the knob and then tie the other end hell-tightly to the beam that supports the roof with a sailors knot - which God knows where you learnt!
4)You pull that heavy dining table and place it behind the door.
5)You push the refrigerator and let it fall slantly onto the dining table so that it pushes against the door with all its weight!

HAHA, you are so smart...there is no way that killer is gonna get in....

Unless he is already inside....??
"Uh-oh!!"
Point: Overkill - BAD!!!
















When is the best to time to escape?
Say you are hiding behind a curtain, now that the killer has obviously come after you. S/he doesn't know where you at! Still searching for you. While you wait in your safe little hiding spot for help to arrive,which in an ideal thriller, will NOT. So, obviously you shouldn't really be hiding all day(all night - to be accurate). You hafta look for your moment to scram.

Well..duh?...innit obvious? The killer is also human man. Before you think I am getting very emotional...lemme add that I am talking about the killer's bladder!

Even movie character's gotta use the bathroom...though they don't show it in the movie.
" Hey..Ya gotta go when ya gotta go "


That includes psycho killers. So now you know that sitting behing that blind for 8 hours isn't worth all that hide-and-seek!

















Last and the most important point to remember:
RUN!
Psycho killers are amazingly bad runners. Trust me on this. They Just-can't-R-U-N-N-N!!! If there is any saving grace...they are your legs(and I still mean - use them to run).


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Well, thats about it. If you follow everything on this tutorial you will live to see another day.
But most probably, your life is still the same. People still don't know that you are alive(Just like before). Unless you show your gratitude to this tutorial in the form of a comment after your ordeal!

All the best!

6 comments:

anusha said...

what movie did u watch before writing this??

and rubs has the best scream quotient among all the candidates i've ever come across in my life,eligible to be cast in a horror flick.

so if you ever make one,make rubs the leading lady!! :D

Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rubs said...

the best thing to do is not to watch em!y unnecessarily get scared n all huh?!!

Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

fuckin awesome. keep it up

Anonymous said...

m very close to LMAO on this one literally..this is perfect..especially the one about the black guy...too good.