Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Hot stuff!










Now that's some Hot Stuff! Thnx 9:)

Friday, 4 December 2009

I read somwhere...

I read somewhere that 23 is too old to be jobless and living
with your parents.
 
 
 
 
Wait, that was a note I found on the wall in my room.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

They were all just passing by

One fine noon, when I sit under the tree,
In my college, named W.T.F I E
Keeping out a very keen eye,
I watch, all these people pass by.

"I have the best make-up kit" girls,
hairdos with a 100 million curls,
with a record for the most insult hurls,
They were all just passing by.


I watch the Kamas and the Thamas,
and rest of the college maamas,
with their usual list of dramas,
They were all just passing by.

Famous drinkers, smokers, ones without who-who dillies,
the drooling starers, the wankers, the hilly-billies,
easy little targets for all the college bullies,
They were all just passing by.

The dopers and the junkies,
with their early morning funkies,
Just another troop of monkeys,
They were all just passing by.

One more honest pervert goes past,
with shameless lines that leave us aghast,
people with indecency unsurpassed,
They were all just passing by.

The teachers, and the "Teach-Her"s,
the flirty faculty creatures,
party poopers cum canteen squatters,
They were all just passing by.
 
The desperado and the "seductress",
Doubles for monsters from Lock Ness,
everyone who is trying to impress,
They were all just passing by.

The ones who think racing is cool,
"I am a racist" says one fool,
and every other kind of tool,
They were all just passing by.

The nerds with their glasses tight,
The exam dates giving them a fright,
mugging up with all their might,
They were all just passing by.

The nerdy girl with the broken back,
the useless kid who wants to hack,
a decent brain is all they lack,
Yet they were  passing by.

The noisy girl+boy gangs,
playing attention seeking pranks,
a funny mix of losers and skanks,
They were all just passing by.

And now a stanza dedicated to some mongs,
people who will take offense to this song,
diplomatic fags dunno where they belong,
They were all just passing by.

Best are the people on their own,
licking up an ice cream cone,
talking on their mobile phones,
They were all just passing by.

There is a B.E College for everyone and probably one in every kind, in WTF Institute of Engineering.

Monday, 2 November 2009

My weird neighbourhood - Top 10 characters

Since I am leaving this neighbourhood, I am feeling a bit nostalgic already. And I have decided to mention a few sweet lines about the weird characters in the neighbourhood. Maybe I will write one about my new neighbourhood soon. And since only the first character in my story reads my page, you feel free to leave comment ;)


First is DPT Shake-her!
I just picked her first because of the amusing nomenclature. DPT is known to have the only forehead visible from space.It amounts to 1/4th the total surface area of earth. It is responsible for reflecting most of the infrared radiation from the sun back to outer space, unless she is wearing a helmet. She tried to run me over with her car a few times, failed miserably.




Second is Mrs.V
She is what you call a career petty thief. Yes. Thief. A cheap one at that.
She is passionate about stealing
*left over cakes of detergent soaps.
*torn chappals that are left outside
*Even morsels of food meant for the neighbours children...
with the title track of Dhoom 2 playing in her head during every one of her skilful con jobs.
Occasionally she also makes away with some unattended 3000 in cash and gold jewellery on her lucky days.
However, all the items in this list are as real as it gets. No exaggeration here. If anyone thought stealing was cool, they must really meet Mrs.V

Initially I thought she just had some mental disorder, but later realised she was just passionate about her skills at flicking left-over cakes of soap and torn chappals etc,.

Oh, btw she is overweight. She accounts for 1/4th the total volume of earth and is also the established newspaper of the street. She has all the details about every person on the street. If some woman regularly beats up her husband, Mrs.V will know how many blows he has taken.

I had decided to award her the character of the year until I discovered ANC Yamma, her tenant.




Yo mamma..ANC Yamma!
She used to live next door until Mrs.V stole a neat 3000 from her purse one fine day, a few years ago. They evacuated in a month.
ANC Yamma was under the impression that her purpose on earth was to speak English, Albeit in the most haphazard way, and go back to where she came from. Land of the Butler English probably.

She called herself "Working ladies-u" and thought it was more important to mention in an introduction than her name itself.

"Hi, I see you just moved in here, I am working ladeesu, and you are?"

Infact, the 'working ladies' part always appeared in a conversation, however irrelevant it may be.

For example:
Aunty no 1 (Govinda for short) says: "The power cuts are so frustrating these days isnt it?"

Aunty no 2 says: "Yeah, when do you think we will get regular power ANC?"

ANC: Hmmm? No idea Im working ladeesu no!

Govinda: My friend said the it was given in the Deccan that the power issue will be resolved in a week.

Aunty no 2: Oh is it? Who gets Deccan here..you get Deccan don't you ANC?

ANC: Uhh? Im working ladeesu no? Im hardly familiar with these housewife concepts!

Well, I guess she thought she was the next Iron lady of India or something of the sort.
Once two people of our neighbourhood were busy talking in soft tones when she nudged in between and asked with full confidence
"Talking with personal-a?"
Other hit dialogues include

"Going with temple" (To say I'm going to the temple)

"Coming to tomorrow" (To say, I'll see you again tomorrow)




Arradaa
She is the deserving winner of  "The Nanny of the year" award for 10th main 1st cross, door number..
Anyway, whenever she whispered, she woke us all up and when she shouted she brought a few trees down. She recently got married. She had a great pair of twins, (who were born to ANC Yamma) and she took good care of them.




The Twins
This will be short. One twin was almost blind while the other was almost deaf. Oh the kids these days!




Mr.V & Chota V
Mr.V:

I call him pussy cat. For no particular reason. We also called him Pa Pa Pandu. But we should really call him the goat cause he married Mrs.V.
When the desperate housewives of our street set out to claim the record for "Most blows delivered to hubby", Mr.V really is at the receiving end.

Chota V:
This 2 year old kid resembles both his parents. Looks like his mum when he is flicking something and looks like his dad when he is being whooped by the girl kids of the street. Otherwise he is quite cute and cuddly.




The Mini Skirt
She claims that she got the nickname because she used to wear a lot of mini skirts. (Eww thank you for that picture I said.)
Her special super power was her ability to cry...during anything.

She cried when she was sad,
she cried when she was mad.
Where she came from,
Crying was the biggest fad.

If she had nothing to do, she would like to cry and fill up the boring gap. She was also a self confessed 'over sensitive' being. The first and only person I met who confessed to being sensitive.
She was also alien to the normal human world and normal human communication. Once when speaking to a friend, she dropped in and I asked both of them what plans they had for the next day. This happened to be on Feb 13th. My luck. In true Mafia Wars style, she asked her boyfriend to ATTACK ME for "asking her out" for Valentines day. The poor bloke..sent another poor bloke to "sort out the issue" with me. And later he ended calling me and apologised for nothing.
I wonder why I was confused for 3 days!

Oh btw, when the whole issue was resolved - she celebrated by crying.




The Tailor house
This is by far the weirdest family I have seen - ever. They claim to be animal lovers, and by what I have heard, their favourite animals are Cockroaches. Yes!!!!! Cockroaches. Funny, because the last time I checked, cockroaches were insects.

The story goes that Mrs.V had been inside their kitchen one (un)fine day. When the lady of the house opened a box of sugar to make tea/coffee for the guests, about 4-5 cockroaches ran out (probably shouting "I'm free I'm free"). And when she was done taking few teaspoons of sugar, our Tailor the Jailor 'captured' all the roaches and put them back in the box. Saying something like "Get back in there you naughty. Where do you think you are going?".

I seriously don't see how anyone can like roaches. The very sight of those wretched creatures make my stomach churn and I get a puking sensation. That's one living thing that the world can do without.

Btw, their dog sucks!
--


And finally, after mentioning the Top 10 weirdos of the street, I must end this write up by mentioning the weirdest and the most deserving character ever to have walked this street. It's called saving the best for the last. The person is none other than me. The whole neighbourhood was confused over what kind of a guy I was.
Half the people will swear I am the angel of the area, while the other half has put a bounty on my head. I say, its just a simple reflection of how they have treated me. The easiest way to locate our house in the street was to mention my name and "mentally disturbed" in the same sentence.

Sucks to leave this house and the people around, but all good things come to an end.



Astala Vista..baby!

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Dad's Khat-khatiya

Have you seen my dad's noble steed?

Theoretically its a scooter. A two wheeler.

Practically, its just metallic rubble twisted and turned like a totalled car which manages to go from A to B with a lot of noise and multiple break downs. When we had moved into the neighbourhood we stay in now, people had run out of their houses screaming, the first few times my dad came home on his khat-khatiya(Christened so based on the kind of sound the machine makes when rolling). We have forgotten where the wheels are.

When the local seismograph measures a consistent 4-5 on the Richter scale, the authorities know that my dad is out on his stallion.

Dad bought it on my 11th birthday(Which means I was 10) and I didn't get to ride on it. Of course, he took every other kid in the street and also all my cousins. No, this is not a sad "Dad didn't take me for a ride" story. Its just the irony that I mentioned.

Anyway, my dad rides it at an astonishingly high speed of 0.009 KM/h. In fact, its so fast that every time he rides, there is a reverse sonic boom we have to contend with. That is, the intensity of the noise generated from the khat-khatiyan is so high that it travels one full circle around the earth and hits him from behind a few hours after he started the journey, by then, he would have travelled about 800 meters from the starting point.

At one point, we all suspected that Valentino Rossi was my dad's secret love child.

I once had him on pillions and rode at around 10 KM/h. Khat-khatiya sounded like she was breathing after centuries, but my dad almost had a heart attack. Khat-khatiya never breathed like that again.

We once put a board "Please steal me" on it and parked it in the compound with the keys in the pawn the whole night. Next morning the modified sign now read "No thanks". We thought of adding a 100 rupee note the next night, but figured he will just take the note and leave.

The scooter was supposed to be the In-thing/best technology in the market when it came out and he dished out a small fortune on it then. I still wonder why. He has dished out more than 3/4ths of the small fortune on its repairs till now.

On a good day, khat-khatiya breaks down only twice. Dad pushes the metallic rubble for about 1 KM. However, its the reason he is in such good shape. So to travel a distance of roughly 5 kilometers, he spends about 200 ML of petrol and 2 tablets of Isordil.

But everybody forgets the good things khat-khatiya has done. Where would all the mechanics/service-guys and their children go, where would they be without Khat-Khatiya who has fed them all these years? Is there no value to social service anymore?

This post is dedicated to the best Khat-Khatiya in the whole wide world, and my daddy owns it! My daddy can beat your daddy at the Super Slow-mo Championship.

ಸಿರಿಗನ್ನಡಂ ಗೆಲ್ಗೆ

\ಎಂ/ ಯೋ ಮ್ಯಾನ್ ಯೋ!! \ಎಂ/

ಕನ್ನಡ ಟೋಟಲಿ ರೂಲ್ಸ್ ಡೂಡ್... ಯೋ!


ಬಾರಿಸು ಕನ್ನಡದ ಡಿಂಡಿಮವ ;)

Saturday, 31 October 2009

House Hunt

The term finally came to an end after 7 long years and staying in this lovely neighbourhood with its weird neighbours (remind me to write about that) will soon come to an end.

Initially in search of a house in lease, we finally agreed to start considering houses for rent also as the date (end of term) drew closer.

The thing about the houses we could afford is that they always had a rider. Either they were
- too small,
- or they didn't like dogs
-No AEH
-Water problem
- or they wanted their furniture to stay in the house - which was a big no no for us. On top of all the frustration of riding around under the hot sun from house to house that the brokers took us to, I had to handle with an extra embarrassment to the landlords about What I Do!

The brokers would always introduce me as 'Engineer sayabru' followed by the landlord(s) looking at me with a bit more respect than what I have been getting from the people I already know. Then THAT would be followed by me explaining how I was not really all what the broker meant and that I had just finished my BE and was jobless.

My father is a big piteel master. (In kannada slang, it means he talks too much. More than necessary sometimes). Thus I also had to bear with the looong looong unwanted stories (which I have already heard a million gazzilion times) that eventually led to nowhere. The landlords always thought that the whole story made a point somewhere in the end with respect to the house, only to realise otherwise. One thing I never understood was the fact that they all seemed to enjoy the story anyway, even after realising it was not required in the discussion. And I thought I was jobless!

I mean come on, how can you be entertained on hearing the story about how my granny lived in a new and only house in a lonely new area with no power for 4 months all alone(ofcourse with all the drama, masala and tadka marke), when you are actually negotiating the rent/lease?
I would have said, wtf old man, you here for rent or story telling?

Anyway, after all the searching we narrowed in on two houses. One in a land far far away, the kind of lands where charming princes and beautiful princess' come from. And the other quite close to where we live now. The latter was for rent while the former is on lease.

Lease kinda works out financially, but the problem was that my dad sometimes returns late on his khat-khatiya scooter. And if it broke down on the way, he being a cardiac patient definitely cannot push it all the way to the land far far away.

So it has been decided that we will go for the house on rent. Those who know me for real, please remind me to show you where we are moving into. I just began packing stuff and even returned some DIY furnitures that I had borrowed from aunt a few years ago.

The update about the blocked SIM is that it miraculously fixed itself, even though all the while the dealers and occasional customer care fellows were blaming the problem on me, that I had changed some settings. Yess sirr, after all I recently moved into the city straight from the deepest darkest jungles of the Amazon and have no clue about gadgets.

After nearly 45 houses, one has been settled. After the shifting is complete, I search for my job with 0.19% more seriousness than I had all this while.


Note that I had to write this one in a hurry as the internet connection might be temporarily terminated for the time being during the shifting process and the exile may last as long as the whole of next month keeping in mind the lazy bums from BSNL.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

The day I almost sent an SMS forward

There are about 500 contacts in my phone book.

Out of these 500, 498 people do NOT send me any messages. Ever.

What is left is A and B. The only two people who send me any forwards.

Both A and B complain that I do not send them any forwards. My situation is very clear and simple.

A sends, receives, understands and likes only veg jokes.

B sends, receives, understands and likes only non veg jokes. In fact, B can't even laugh at the veg jokes even if s/he wants to.

[Non veg jokes - Sexed up jokes ;  Veg jokes - jokes about life and limb ]

Deadlock.

Come 27th, I received over 10 good forwards on my phone. And I thought to myself - Is it my birthday or what? 10 messages? For me? This is the best day ever! Wait till A,B and rest of the Fortune 500 contacts receive my forwards today! Yeah Baby!!
.
.
.
.
Lo and behold, Kahani mein twist hain...all my outgoing has been blocked. WTF?

I did call customer care, but they have such a pathetic customer care service that you have to listen to the automated auntiji's voice for over 15 friggin minutes about all their excitingly unwanted offers. And it's not like, you can just call them up and keep the cellphone on your desk for 15 minutes while you go take a dump. You have to press a number every time the automated voice asks me to and she does that like every 40 seconds or else I have to start from the beginning.

"To know more about my dumbass dail-a-tone service press 1..to know about..."

And when I do get connected, some girl who sounds like she is the most exhausted woman in the world doesn't even want to pretend that she is interested in solving the problem and asks me to change the handset and hangs up after saying something like "Thank you for calling customer care...".

ನಿಮ್ಮ ತಾತ ಕೊಡ್ತಾನ ಹೊಸ handset?

I heard later that these cell service companies do such things if a SIM validity has drawn to an end as most customers are expected to change the SIM. Many faces of corruption! What an Idea Sirjee?

"Today is the day you will all remember as the day I almost sent you forwards!"

Sorry A & B..No cookie for you!

(Yes, my life is boring!)

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Choices

- Hey I got into some rough waters with the boys from down the lane. If you can get your chums from back in the day, you can help me win this bro.


-I can't call anyone from back in the day. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you company. I'll come with you to lose.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Happy ದೀಪಾವಳಿ (Deepavali)

Remember that sky rocket firecracker image I had on this page in the year I started writing here? Well about 2 people knew about my blog then..so I guess most of you haven't seen it. The blog had a green background and the moving image was black and it never went well with each other. I was just wondering that it would do really well right now.

Oh..Happy ದೀಪಾವಳಿ everyone :) Don't ask me why the mix between English and Kannada in the wish. I hope all of ya have a great time.

This year I somehow feel like bursting crackers. Anybody else feel like it too? I burst my last cracker about 9 years ago. Well, its got nothing to do with the child labour issue in Shivakasi. I somehow feel a lot of families there are able feed because of the industry. Something like a necessary evil. I stopped for the environment ;) I know I know..boring. Won't be so boring when there is no place left to live.

Yet, somehow, I feel like bursting one or two this time. I have always enjoyed bursting crackers.

Letc what happens.

Meanwhile, You have a safe and happy time celebrating the festival! (Thnx to everyone who wished me on sms, mail and other means.)

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Hear that? Exactly!

I have had nothing new to tell or share.
Which is why Im nowhere to be seen.
Im not in exile, if that's what it seems.

Have you been reading my blog lately?
Exactly!
There is nothing to write about.


Oh yeah! We have to move soon. So we are searching for a new house. The property rates and rent/lease rates have really gone up around here. So the houses we like, we can't afford and the ones we can afford are really just mud walls covered with coconut leaves.

Our broker took us to one really bad condition house in the middle of nowhere. And the Landlady was so full of herself that she was shouting at the broker, with a loud, hoarse, vulgar voice in that koplu accent for being 15 mins late and just because of that she was not ready to show us the house. We were as it is rather pissed at being taken to the place, so my dad folded his hands at the lady with...ummm..."respect" and said "Maam, even if you show us the house, we won't live here, kindly get back to whatever you were doing. Sorry for the disturbance" :P My parents are very sarcastic when it comes to humour. Both mum and dad. So you know now where I get it from.


So we are still searching - for a house that can hold our movables and our egos as well as fit into our pockets.
There was one such place, very close to my college(former). Guess what, it even had a girls PG. Wohoo? Well no. The owner didn't like dogs. Any man who doesn't like dogs can't be my landlord. Hmmpphh!! So I forced my parents to stop checking it out in between. Bye bye Girls PG! My folks seemed to like the place.

--
BTW, I realised I haven't acknowledged a lot of comments on my blogs lately. Im sorry about that. The thing is I avoid pinging my own page for many many reasons. So I kinda lost track lately. Will do.
--
Mafia wars, the text based game..it has really got me. I have moved a 100 levels since the last post.( For those who understand what that means.)
--


And oh. Can you believe Obama won the Nobel for peace? Thank God they hadn't given a noble to Mahatma Gandhi, or it would have been a disgrace to his soul. I mean, all the guy did was pump weapons and money into just another terrorist state.

What is the world coming to? 2012!!

Thursday, 24 September 2009

You know things are just screwed up when...

---You get requests from the guys, who are hairier than the juggler and his bear, and the requests say "Hi, come with me to my farm, we can grow colourful fruits and vegetables and milk cute fat cows"

---You think this is the gayest thing you have ever seen and go "Dude! That's gay" until one fine day, the girl who plays the lead role in your honey coated dreams sends you the same invite and you accept. (Then religiously login everyday cause you get to send a gift each day and logout).

---Your wise cracks start appearing on SMS, status messages and low quality websites. And suddenly, you are the one who is not original.

---You realise there are very few hobbies that you can afford right now, and you are interested in none of them.

---You think everyday is a Tuesday until you realise its already weekend only because everybody is returning to the city to their homes. Sometimes you even ask "Is it september or October?"

---You have exceeded your net usage by 735MB this month. Dad is sharpening his axe.

---You move to Mafia wars for time pass (and get away from all the boredom and gayness in the world) and start slicing, dicing and icing losers world over. Boys will be boys? All of a sudden you are attacked by "Danger Kitty" and robbed off 12 million.

There is nothing better to boost your self esteem than being bullied by a 16 year old girl who calls herself Danger Kitty.

Why do I even try to be normal?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

My path to self discovery

I have an energetic soul ("most active and adventurous of your group..jumpy and active and are a fun person to be around!")

My lucky number is 1 (Probably cause that's how much I used to score in my internals)

My nickname should be sporty

I am wolverine

I was born to be a detective cause I have a lot of natural instincts (Yeah, a guy who is writing about problems with self discovery)

Am the perfect guy with the girls and they are all over me cause I treat them so well (They must be all invisible)

Am a kitten because I am shy,vulnerable but sweet! (Yes, I puked after this)

Am Excellent at kissing("awesome" and "talented" )

Am in love and the victim is supposed to be lucky

The first letter of my soul mate starts with A

Adolph Hitler was my ancestor!

I can fly and...











I Am actually Jim Carey!!



--

I wrote this blog all this while on a mission to discover myself and ended up with nothing. All I had to do was ask Facebook!!


Dang it! Why don't people tell me about stuff like this in time?

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Never ending holidays By Whine the Poo

You know what they say about pretty girls?

"If a girl is really pretty, she will have a complete jerk boyfriend to prove it"

Come on. This is so unfair. You must not propagate phrases like that. It gives false hope to guys like me!

<--Since I have a lot of spare time with myself, these are the kind of thoughts flooding my head write now.

Every two hours, I get this strange feeling:

I want to delete my blog,
deactivate all my internet accounts,
burn this years diary,
format my computer,
and just vanish into thin air without leaving a trace.

That is if, boredom doesn't kill me already.

If you have read that post "Some things you dunno about me" you would know I wanted to be a drummer as a kid. When I recall that, I feel like pulling my hair out. Them darned instruments are more than twice my entire worth.

I also just love cricket. Playing, watching, listening. When I was in 2nd semester, this guy who then played for Mysore used to play with us in the evenings, and he had asked me to appear for selection that I may stand some chance with my bowling. I had asked my dad to let me go. He gave me a four word answer that put a big period next to all that.. "Shut - Up - And - Study"

Then I realised I really like this coding and shit. I had a knack for it, all the loops and variables, hardly got confused. It ain't so bad after all eh. I thought I will get somewhere with BE.

Fast-forward two and a half (million) years. I am sitting on a tattered, executive, antique, chair, which probably belonged to my grandpa - The Legendary Drunken Master, listening to Led Zepplin's Stairway To heaven and still dreaming about everything I thought I could have been.

The most entertaining thoughts come from a stray ant or a fly on the wall I am staring at (Yes, I'm still doing that, and No, it's not just a joke) and I go-

"Oh My God! There is an ant on the wall!! I wish I had a camera, I could take snaps and put it on Orkut and Facebook and I would be so popular"
I check my cellphone. No new messages.
Check my mail. No new mail.
There is something in the spam. "The enlargement that you needed"
I can't login to any sites. I used up my internet usage quote about 15 days ago.

While rummaging through my drawers and cupboards for something-anything interesting, I found a list I had made in January. And no, it was not interesting.

The list, was made with an assumption that I would have got my first earnings by Aug/Sep, and it included the things I wanted to buy,

*Chain for Pluto
*Repair DVD drive
*DVDs
*..

The list goes on..and I finally realise how unrealistically ambitious I have been all this while. I tore the piece of paper, crumpled the bits and threw it out of the house.

Feels like, I have been peeing in the ladies toilet, all my life. You dunno nothing wrongs yet and all seems to be fine, but when faced with reality, you just wanna hang yourself.

My mind is drifting away to nothingness, and that ain't happening any quickly either.

Dear God, if you are listening, I could really use one of those miracle thingies right now..

--
Whine the Poo

Friday, 28 August 2009

How to be "smart"? - For dummies

Note: I get this strange feeling I should not be putting up such a sarcastic post, cause very few people can take a joke. But I say what the hell, and have gone ahead it with it anyway, amidst fears of unintentionally upsetting people.
Any resemblance to dumb asses worldwide is purely co-incidental and definitely NOT regretted!
--------------------------------





Do you feel dumb around your friends?

Do you even have friends?

Do you feel you need to be in a higher class of society than you are in right now?

Need to be treated better by people?

Missing out on all the cream?

How to become smart? Damn! The age old question plaguing all the dummies out there.

Worry no more, for I have brought you the tutorial you have been waiting for! The next 5 minutes will be the best 5 minutes you have ever spent, as it will take you from dumbass to smart, just like that. Just follow these these steps in the same order and you wont have to worry about a thing in the future!

1. Speaka - ina - inglishhh! (Speak in English)

Get yo' grammar right dog! You must be perfect in English. And no matter how much you love your other mother-tongue, whatever it is, you must pretend as if every other language is filthy and tapori. "You don't gimme no shit, bitch!" is no more smart!

From now, It should be a bit like,

"Oh that guy? Chiiii you know he speaks in kannada and all? I wouldn't touch him with a 20 feet pole."

Just run to your nearest book store and grab that GRE book and start memorizing the toughest, longest and the most unnecessary words ever created in the language so that you can sound as complex as possible.

For more info on improving vocabulary and opportunistic usage of words contact My friend Rubs if you know her and ask her about the day when

"A lizard was APPROACHING her system"

For info on being smart, you still have to continue with this tutorial.


2. Now fuck English - Learn Spanish!

Or French or Italian for that matter. Because, you know, once you start behaving like you were born to the Queen Victoria herself, you suddenly realise everybody around you are behaving like that too. English is passe!

So you need to set yourself apart, learn some french or spanish or latin here and there and use it with your friends.


Important: The more your friend doesn't understand/know these languages, more often you must use it on him/her!

For example-

C'est Moi - What can that mean?
You just ping your old friend (Who is dumb) or your new friend (Who thinks YOU are dumb) and type "C'est Moi!"
" What did S/he say? Must be something smart. Let me just laugh! "


Chances are both won't know what it means. It means "It's me". Now WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!


Your buddy will probably go "uh? what?" and then you go.. "What..oh that! Ha-ha, its French. Sorry about that. I forgot you didn't know French! Silly me!"


3. You think you are being funny do you?

When you are supposed to be smart, you are supposed to have a good sense of humour. So the "smart" people think, the better the sense of humour, the lesser you laugh at poor jokes. So you should also think like that.

Thus, being smart comes at a price. You can't laugh at normal people's jokes anymore. No matter how much other people are enjoying, no matter how much you wanna roll on the floor and laugh, you just sit there, take a deep breath and say to him/her

"Hmmm...that's funny! :| "

However, if the joke concerns a celebrity/fictional character that very few people around have any clue about, then you get to laugh your ass out. For ex-

In a party of say 10 people, 'A' and 'B' are trying to show everyone else that they are smart.

A: Hey do you what Tony Callouses new song is gonna be called?

B: Lol! I don't know A, tell me will you?

A: Tubthumping!!

"HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

In the whole party, only A & B seem to get the joke. Who knows, Tony Callouses may not even be a real person or a fictional character, but only A & B know that right?

B: A, you are too much...hahaha..."Chumbawumba?"....haha..how do you come up with such stuff anyway? you sicko!
--

Poor onlookers, are forced to accept that you two are smart!

Rest of the times, you are forced to use

"Very funny!"

"That's not funny"

"You think you are being funny do you?"

Or if a lot of people seem to find the other guy/gal funny you just make sure you say

"That's dumb!!!"



4. Mockery

You are perfect. You are supreme. You can do no wrong. Rest are filthy mortals. Why? Because you are smart, they're not!
And since you are smart, you have to pick up the mantle of having to cleanse this tainted world of all it's filth. So you mock!

Daily exercise: Pick one dumb ass in random today and use all means to make fun of him/her behind the persons back.
When you are climbing up the smart ladder, there are bound to be kiss-asses all around you. Use them for the laughter factor (But you don't laugh).


5. Status message

Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, gtalk, yahoo are some elements on an endless list of ways you can use to update status messages. So here is what you do.

1)Find something smart to say.
2)Then say it.

I remember this one guy, God knows why he is on my list, used to cook up something rude to say about a general group of people, and every 5 minutes he would login and update that as a status in all his online accounts.

Then there was this kiss-ass who would always press like for his status messages. Lets face it, he is a guy who will love this tutorial. He probably never realised that one of those statuses were targeted at him.

Blogging is a big No-No for you! "Smart" people don't blog. You WILL be caught!


6. Of Films and Books

[Click here for NOTE]

You gotta be in on a discussion, everytime someone speaks about a movie or a book. So what you do is ask friends for some good books to read and then instead of borrowing them, you look up its plot on the internet. Same goes for movies.

Now imagine you are at this neat party, two people are discussing a book,
"I am reading Gahboo Hoosa's book 'Blah-Blah' it is simply amazing"

This is when you butt in. Yes butt in, you will see why,

"Oh yeah, 'blah-blah' is nice but you must read his 'snore-snore', that's his best work"

Notice the difference in the way they look at you now!

Just in case they pick up some particular line or incident from the book you gotta bail out saying "Oh yeah? I don't remember much, I read it long back, but I remember I thoroughly enjoyed it"

7. Light travels faster than sound...

...which is why most people appear smart until they speak. This means that you, who ain't really smart, must only speak when you are absolutely sure about things! Rest of the times, you just acknowledge or bail out.

"Oh yes I agree"

or

"I can't come to a conclusion on that opinion of yours, I believe it needs more speculation"


8. Correction my dear Watson

Again, when you are very sure about things, never loose an opportunity to point out a mistake and make people feel dumb. Cause as you might have already guessed, it makes you look smart!

9. Ethics and principles

Seriously, you may not have any, but now you need some. But don't worry, its just for show. You only need to bring up your ethics and principles when somebody is taking notice.

10. Diplomacy

Remember the mockery behind the back thing? That's only around stupid people. When someone literally smart is around you, you put up your best diplomatic behaviour, cause honestly, you just don't have the balls to talk straight.

But of course, the 'about me's on your orkut and facebook must always say "Bold, straight talking, blah blah"

In reality you are probably the biggest gossip in your class/college, and everybody knows that, but don't worry, that still makes you "Smart".




Summary:
There are some 17-19 year olds making visits to this page(which makes this cold man happy) and a few others who are still a li'l immature to decipher and understand the nested levels of sarcasm in my writing. So:

This is NOT a real tutorial. It's just a little tribute to all the fools in the world who think they are smart! You CANNOT become smart like this, that's why it says "smart"
Don't leave comments like

"Iceman Iceman, you are wrong. You can't become smart like this."

It ends up making me look stupid, not you.

Anyway, want the best solution to become smart? - Think



Come back read my next tutorial. Its called

"How to loose so-called friends in a single blog post"

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Music and Me

I was tagged by Miss Perplexed!
Just read on to understand the tag.

Favourite artist:
Metallica

Favourite artist was not part of her tag, but part of a facebook tag made to me earlier. Thought I will take care of both in one post ;)
Also note that none of the songs below are from Metallica, even though they are my favourite. Mainly because, I can't relate any of their songs to my life. I also tried to fit in a kannada song somewhere, but didn't have a favourite that matched any of these questions and I couldn't come up with questions to match the favourites, so that didn't happen either.


Opening credits:
Danger zone - Kenny Loggins.

Waking up :
Here I am - Bryan Adams

Average day:
Everyday - Bon Jovi

First date:
You are beautiful - James Blunt

Falling in love:
For I cant help falling in love with you - George Weiss

Love scene:
Zara Zara - R.H.T.D.M

Fight scene:
Ten Thousand Fists in the air - Disturbed

Breaking up:
Last Thing On My Mind - Ronan Keating

Getting back together:
Way back into Love - Hugh Grant & Haley Bennet

Secret love:
She Fucking Hates Me - Puddel Of Mudd

Life's okay:
Keep rollin' - Limp Bizkit

Mental breakdown:
Du Hast - Rammstein

Driving:
Decadance - Disturbed

Learning a lesson:
A new day has come - Celine Dion

Deep thought:
Loose yourself - Eminem

Flashback:
Koi Lauta De Mere Beete Hue Din - Kishore Kumar

Partying: - Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

Happy dance: - Hakuna Matata

Regretting: No regrets here, thus this one will be left empty.

Long night alone: Tere Bina Zindagi se koi - Kishore & Lata (Cause there is a line 'aaj ki raat tum jo kehdo toh...' remember?)

Death scene: Bring me to life - Evanescence

Closing credits: My Way - Elvis Presley


--
Thank you Perplexed. I had to pick songs that you or Silverstreak hadn't picked (Atleast most of them) and sorry for the ones meant to be funny :P I just had to do it!

Now I tag those who I think have any chance of picking this up-

Abhishek (Who will be going to Varanasi)

Ajay (Out of curiousity)

Anup (Who hasn't blogged for like forever)

Anush (who will love this)

Gauri (Who writes lovely poems)

Mithun (Who desperately needs a second post)

Rashmi (Who doesn't like tags)

Rubs (Who won't even read this post)

Shilpa the great (Damn!)

Shimmer (Who loves coffee too)

Smitha (Who will read this, won't comment on it and definitely will not follow the tag because aunty has ego)

Trashley (Who really needs an excuse to blog)


And anybody who reads this and wants to do this :)

Monday, 24 August 2009

If you see Kay..

Warning: Total Bad ass post. Not suitable for weenies, jimbos, meow-meows, cry babies, priests, nuns, altar boys, righteous people, do-gooders, say-gooders, oldies, coldies, gandhis, sadhus and perhaps some children below the age of 18.

Being a reader on this page is subject to heart attack risks, please read the offer document (disclaimer post) carefully before reading.

---------------------------------------------
(Another article re-incarnated from the old drafts)

The word "Fuck"

Such a wonderful word! No seriously. There was some baccha kuccha izzat that remained hidden away from my view. Today I intend to wipe it off by writing about this word - Fuck. Its sorta like selling your soul to the devil. But of course I did that also, long back, so lets just shut the Fuck up and talk about the word Fuck?


Everybody has a touching story about how they were introduced to this literary marvel. Maybe your brother gave it to you, or your sister gave it to you. (Or forced it onto you) Perhaps it was your neighbour, a friend..what the hell it may have been the TV.

My touching story begins with me joining a new school after a lousy 7th standard in a school where "idiot" was the biggest swear word I had known. If some kid yelled idiot, no not call ME an idiot, even if he yelled 'The I-word' aloud at someone else or even at nothing then I would

"ohhhhhh you said bad word, wait I will tell teacher. Maaaaaaaaam maaaaaaam he said bad worrrrrd "

After that the teacher would come and spank the living fuck outta these anti-social elements who spoke of the 'I-word'. (Which I was made to believe was an abomination to God)

8th standard came and I was in a new school. In this new school, it was customary to bring a new guy up-to speed of all their heart-warming traditions. I remember my very first day in my new school. Everyone seemed to be like crazy animals, shouting yelling, throwing stuff. All this was new to me. In my earlier school, everything had to be well-mannered and disciplined. Anyway, its barely 10 minutes after my first assembly here, and as we returned to the classroom, this guy comes up-to me and says

"Hey new boy, what's your name?"

"I'm so&so"

"Hello 'so&so', do you know what Fuck means?" (Time is money and he was stingy)

I just looked at him puzzled. And he went on

"Fuck! Fuck? F U U U U K. FUCK! dunno?"

I looked on more puzzled.

"Have you seen Titanic?"

"Yes"

"Did you watch what they do in the Jeep properly?"

"Not clearly"

"But you have an idea right?"

"No"

"God..OK Anyway. That is fucking"

"OK"

By now quite a group had come together to watch my holy acceptance tradition going on.

"Do you know how babies are born? "

"No"

"By fucking"

"OK" (After the horrible ending to the conversation I was clearly confused about whether I just learnt English or Cinema or Biology)

---------
I learnt a lot that day on my first day of school. I just wish I could say I was proud of it all!

Later in the evening that day, as I got into the school bus to head back home, two guys, also from from the other section, sat next to me. One of these guys spoke to me, while the other just watched on, with a silly smirk on his face:

"Hi, what's your name?"

"So&so"

"OK, I'm guy1, he is guy2"

"Hello:)"

"Aren't you the new guy who hit M C D?"

(Worried) "Hmmm, is he hurt? Im sorry, I wouldn't have..."

"Why did you hit him?"

"He threw stones at me, one of them hurt me hard on my forehead"

"Why did he throw stones at you?"

"I dunno. After that he was just smiling when I asked him. So I hit him"

"Good. We don't like him either"

Now I started to feel good. I had met somebody better than the other horrible boys n girls. Somebody I could have a normal conversation with, which did not involve introducing me to a new swear word, somebody to...

" Did you get hurt? "

"No"

"Cool...so do you know what Fuck is? "

-------------------------
Things have changed a lot from that fateful day to date. Today, Fuck is the brilliant answer to almost all of life's burning questions.

Its already 1 AM have you taken the dog out?
Fuck!!!

How was your exam?
Got fucked.

Is your Crush good looking?
She is fuckin cute.

Please don't feel bad but everybody here hates you.
Like I give a fuck

How much you studied?
Fuck off.

How about you take me to Coffee day after your exams? Or atleast Icecream?
How about a fucking no?

I dunno why people don't like this word. And I definitely dunno why people don't like me.
I'm such a sweet, soft and decent guy!

I'm thinking as I write this, from now onwards, any day I try to put up my angel face, people will straight-away say "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote the 'fuck' blog?"

The world is so FUCKED up!

Saturday, 22 August 2009

World's most happening friends list

In India, people love to talk(and definitely not listen). And half the people on Gtalk may not even know how to compose and send an email (Except forwarding other people's meaningless mails) but they sure know how to chat on it!

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to chat on gtalk, which is why its the most popular thing on the internet around here. Any fool can be a techno-crappo without even knowing what that even means!

Why am I saying all this? You must have thought that when I wrote "My incredible boring life" post a few days ago, that I wrote just for the kicks...right? Ohh so funny and all? Not really.

You must really take a look at my friends list on Gtalk in the peak hours. (India's most popular online app)










They are ALL IDLE!!! What the hell are they so busy with? I just don't get it!


Thursday, 20 August 2009

Disclaimer

After severe public outcry against the lack of disclaimers on my blog, I have decided to add a disclaimer finally.

Please understand that if I have spoken about someone/something who sounds a lot like you (even if its you) I'm not speaking about you, because you are probably not worth it.

This blog is not for people who are offended easily and/or have relatively poorer sense of humour.

So reminding you, that, due to the kind of language used on this site, besides the fact that the author is inexcusably egocentric, it is not suitable for readers of any particular group, ethnicity, region or age!

So nobody should read it!
Please note: There are only two people who still read this blog, one is yourself, who is reading it right now and the other is not online. You both should know, you make your cold man happy!

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

My incredible boring life

This was supposed to be posted this February, and thus included how I always miss the first the class and get kicked out of the next, etc., But then the post turned out to be really long and I thought "Hey! Why would anybody be interested in my lousy life? Why would anyone go through such a long post?". And lo, the draft was buried 6 feet under.

I understand that my long posts don't work for you, but short posts are not working for me. Since I am at the centre of the universe, I'm afraid I will have to support me :P
Here is the story finally published, but this time, my incredible boring life doesn't even involve college.




After some real sleep

--------------------------

My typical day starts at 10:30 AM when all the kids in the neighbourhood have gone to school and attended at least 2 and a half hours of classes.

For the past three hours mum has been shouting at me to wake up. Dad has kicked me at least 7 times in the behind. The mutt has put his nose into my room through the window and whined at me at least 20 times. Even the maid has come in to clean and "accidentally" bumped my bed hoping to startle me out of my dead-like state. She fails badly as usual and mumbles something like

"What kind of a boy is he, sleeping when the sun is overhead, if he was my son I would have..."

I always miss the final words.

The phone has croaked with messages and more messages.

-Good morning! I want your MP3 player for a few days
-What was your project on?
-Did you watch the match yesterday?
-Hey, what's better Sony Ericsson 9857skjg or a Nokia 34958skjh?
-Hey why haven't you replied? I am at the shop, tell fast fast.
-What colour are your eyes?

(Not to mention the one-smiley-per-sentence policy that everyone seems to follow right now)

And many many more terribly important questions that just HAVE to be asked at the crack of dawn.(My dawn).

I have just heard the phone croak, I have no idea where the phone is. I grope around with my eyes closed and search for the cell on my bed. It's here somewhere, between the sheets or something.

Ahh, I find it. I carefully open one eye and look at the time. I have woken up early, it can't be over 7 AM at least today,lets see, fingers crossed..

Drum rolls..

The time is...


my heart beats with anticipation...


the suspense, I can't bear it...


10:30 AM!!


Oh phew, its just...WHAT!!!!!!!! TEN F%&&ing THIRTY AM???????

I take some time to blame myself, the alarm clock, my cell and ultimately God for not waking me up early.








The waking up ceremony
------------------------------

I roll over a few times and finally get up on what seems to be the wrong side of the bed every single day no matter which side I get up from.

I walk out wobbling like a drunk, stretching and finally collapsing onto a chair in the hall. There is the days newspaper somewhere, I pick it up and start glancing the headlines, still with eyes being open as little as possible. Just enough to let me read it and not enough to let much light inside.

It takes me about half an hour to get fresh. I come back and sit at my desk. I start the system to check for mails. Mum comes in and shouts at the top of her voice, which is usually half of how much I normally speak when trying to speak softly, and says "Get your tail of that chair and go take a bath. Is this the time to wake up? When will you have breakfast? And I will faint by the time you have lunch"
She pulls me and tugs at me. But I just lie there like a lump of mass.

"Chillax ma, I'll just have brunch yo"

" Yo my foot, you and your brunch. You call this a lifestyle, I dunno what I have to deserve this.."

She says that as her voice fades away between the criss-crossing walls of our home and into the kitchen.

Suddenly I realise something and I run behind her and start begging..

"Maaaaaaaa....maaaaaaa......"

"What ma? Who ma? I'm not your ma! What do you want? Shoo get lost. Watchmaaaan "

" Ma..haaa-haaa-aaaaaaa!! "

" Yeno adu? (What is it?) "

" Kaa..."

" What?? "

" Kaaa-feee "

" Coffee??? Go take a bath first, then have breakfast. Then coffee. "

I hug her tightly from behind, shake her up real good and shout loudly in her ear

"Coffeee coffee COFFEEEEEE "

"Yey...bidu (Let go off me)"

"Maaa haaaaa haaaaaawww"

"BIDUUUU"

"Kaaaaaafeeeeeeee"

and run away back into my room.

The spoilt son that I am, she proves by finally bringing a big glass of my elixir.




The coffee
------------

I Liked my coffee like I like my chicks, Hot, Wet and brown. And that's how its served for me.

BTW, do you know how I drink my coffee?

I first smell it. Ohhh..that kick...I smell it, I smell it...I smellllllllllll it...I let it completely take over me.

Then once I start sipping, I don't take the cup off my lips until its over. Friends say, I drink like a baby. Who cares. Me and my coffee, together forever at last! I will never leave you honey. Nobody will come between us.

I start dreaming about Me and The Coffee cup filled to the brim, running towards each on a beautiful beach with arms outstretched. And when it just looks like the two are gonna live happily ever after...screeech...I run outta coffee.

I start cursing at my life. Why can't I just have an unlimited reservoir of coffee man? It's not like I'm asking for a lot! Right?

Thank you God for Coffee, Chocolate and Cricket!





The Internet
---------------
Yeah, the internet business starts before the bath. Well a bit of it. Its just like checking mails n sh!t.

"XYZ also commented on ABC's shitty status"
"fwd:fw: beautiful words"
"Fw:fwd: plzzzzzzzzzzzzz pass this on don't neglect"

C'mon man what the hell ever happened to normal people and normal mail?

Hmmm. This is the internet, where little girls are CIA agents and jobless fools call themselves Iceman and believe they are anonymous!

The Bath
-----------
Well, to sum it up, I'm done at around noon. You must have already guessed that my brunch takes really really long.

Rest of the day
------------------

Staring at the wall
NFS-Most Wanted
Staring at the wall
Movie
Staring at the wall + lunch
chatting + explaining to everyone how I stare at the wall
Staring at the wall
And before I know it... BAM! Its night. Time to sleep. Except that I am not sleepy!
And did I mention staring at the wall?? It must have skipped my mind.



Somebody find me a job!



Will Work
for
coffee

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

State of high temperature or agitation

I apologise for the confusing title :D I looked up the definition of fever and it said "state of high temperature or agitation" and I found it really funny. Agitation!!

Yesterday, I suffered from only the 5th or 6th headache of my life so far (Yes! That's true) and it was so bad that I felt like putting a bullet in my head.

At around 7 PM I caught fever and shivers and the pig started haunting our imaginations at home.

"What if I die before that zombie thingy happens in the city? I can never be a hero"

Anyway, it kept getting so bad, that I was sure I was not gonna wake up today morning. I went to bed on an empty stomach, a paracetamol and a rantac (No, I usually don't favour medicine/pills).


Yet, Wonder of wonders, here I am, after a rough night, tired but alive. And no fever.



Satan can sleep in peace - For Now!

Monday, 17 August 2009

And then God said - "let there be sound!"

My god! Did you hear that sound? Strange mysterious noise in the sky?

Today early morning at 11:30 AM I heard some really huge thunder, which was anything but thunder! More like a boom.

I was having bath and there is was. BOOM! And the then it was followed by a dampening sound, like fading thunder which went on for nearly 2 minutes. Man I have never heard anything like it.

I was like Wicked!!! At last something is going in this city which now resembles a sleepy hill station!!

The sound came from the south where the Rare Metal Projects plant is located and it got me thinking.

What if some Uranium or Plutonium reactor thingy or something went outta control?

What if people outside got exposed to radiation?

What if everyone exposed to radiation turned into zombies?

What if people bitten by these zombies were also turned into zombies?

What if the city had to be sealed off for containment?

What if some really hot girl turns out to be all alone in this dreaded city?

What if I be her hero and save her along with me and my family?

What if...

Suddenly I heard another bang, which startled me outta my honey coated dreams. It was dad who banged on the door and shouted at me to..well..

"Get your a$$ out of the bath you filthy..."


Anyway, nobody knows yet what the sound was. It seems it was heard in the neighbouring cities.
People are all freaked out and shit. Policemen were running around crazy all day trying to figure out what happened.

I hope its something really cool. Not like some Sonic boom that a local scientist predicted. If its a sonic boom from a jet, it can't be heard in other cities, so that theory is hopefully buried. He is probably a dumb ass. There was supposedly a plane in the sky at the time. But a sonic boom from a plane will be heard long after its gone right! Huh! Kill joys.

See you next time, in the news, if at all I do turn out to be that hero! Or else, oh well, I still have my blog.


(Post Title inspired by Arjun)

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Jobless..sh!t jobless!

The most common question you run into these days is
"What you been upto"
"How you spending time?" etc,.

If you read the "Jobless, but not jobless" post, you be greatly surprised at the changes in the few days ever since.

--

For starters, I have been idle! Now, I may not be hard working, but still I am scared of the word idle. It's just I am always doing something, just that it ain't always productive. For example, blogging, chatting, well..something. Now I have been idle.

I write few lines for a new post, then I delete the whole post.
I decide to watch a movie, I close VLC when the credits begin.
I wanna play NFS, I say Im playing..but I never start a single pursuit/race.

-Ok, ok we get the point, So what the hell do you do?

I sit on my chair..and then I stare at the wall all day. You know what the scary part is? I am not even thinking when I do that.

--

For the last few days, my parents have grown tired of watching me do this and like a bolt outta the blue, my dad shot the dreaded question that every son would have nightmares about:

" You can't sit at home like this forever. You gotta go and do something soon. You are doing nothing at home! "

I'm like, Dad! It's F**kin recession, I even got a job, they just didn't call me! I'm searching alright? There are no openings for me...its not I like what I am doing here..baaaah!!!!

But Nope-uh! Nobody is taking any of that.

Let me tell you a secret. I'm no angel, but every time I was reminded of someone being unemployed, it used to break my heart. It's like a nightmare.


--

I watched a movie called Step Brothers. It's got that guy Will Ferrell in it. I hate that fool. All his movies are gross. I can't eat properly for days after watching his movies. But I did watch this one anyway.

The movie is about two grown ups, 39 and 43 or something each of who don't have a job and are living with their parents living off their earnings. They still act like kids n all. One of them actually ends with up a hot chick, but hey, isn't that why they call it a movie?

The movie is supposed to be comedy man, and it scared me so much that I almost sh!t myself.

Am I gonna be like the morons in that movie? Living off my parents work till I'm 40??

It sounds ridiculous, I know, but that's what the movie made me think.

--

Yesterday, I finally attended an interview for a call centre job (Well, it's sorta like a call centre). All through the process, I kept thinking

"What the fuck am I doing here?...What the FUCK am I DOING here?"

Four years back, if I knew that I would have ended up here after BE, I would have hanged myself I think. Besides, I did fuck up my BE. Ofcourse, VTU played a huge part in screwing my BE along with me. Sounds like gang rape doesn't it?


All through the interviews, I kept stressing on how I was NOT interested in their job.

"Are you comfortable working in a far away city?"

"Nope!"

"Are you comfortable with.."

"Nope!"

"But I didn't complete my question"

":)"

"Are you.."

"Nope!"

"Are.."

"Nope!!! Nope nope nope!"

Later..

"I have so and so problem in my internet connection, everything is perfectly setup, how do I fix it?"

"well try checking the router bulbs.."

"Its perfect!"

"Ok, try the network connection settings, right click and..."

"That's also perfect!"

"hmmm??"

"Everything is perfect, but there is a problem"

"Ok, use trouble shoot"

"Can you take us through the troubleshooting steps?"

"Sure...press troubleshoot" (In my mind I also heard myself say.."MORON!!")

That's when my "Technical" interview ended...abruptly.

But still, I was sent through to the last interview of the day.
In that last interview I must have really pissed him off..

"So..Mr.Ice...what is your dream job?"

"I would after some experience want to end up with development and stuff..y'know?"

"Ok, suppose I offer you our job and after 6 months, you get job in a development domain, what do you do?"

"If I had any chances of that, I don't think I would be attending your interview"

He stared at me with wide eyes for a moment, with half a heart to slap me. But he continued.

"Im giving you a situation"

"Oh hypothetical?"

"Ahh yes, that's the word, hypothetical"

"Ok, in that case, I would leave your job in a heartbeat"

"Ok"

and then again...

"Are you comfortable working in a far away city?"

"Nope!"

"Are you comfortable with.."

"Nope!"

"But I didn't complete my question"

":)"

"Are you.."

"Nope!"

"Are.."

"Nope!!! Nope nope nope!"

--

"Well that's all the questions we have for you. Do you have a question for us?"

"I heard I can't attend any other interviews in other branches of your company if an offer is made to me by you..is that true?"

"Why???? WHY????? WHY do you want to attend other interviews once you work for us?"

" Hypothetical situation :) "

" You can't! For TWO YEARS! "

"Thank you sir"

"Thank YOU! You can expect a phone call next week."


----

Well, If I were you, I wouldn't put my money on that offer :D







I'm really confused now.
-----------------------------
One person says, - if they call you, go for it, don't be idle at home.

A senior says (and he is one wise guy) - Don't join, the job will be at odd hours, you will loose focus.

Dad says - we could use the money

Mum says - I dunno. It's your wish

Some Independence day huh? I can feel the freedom in my veins.

What the hell do I do?


I guess I'll just close blogger and go back to staring at the wall. Bye.

Monday, 10 August 2009

To err is Human

Today is important

Today I forgive

Today, is the day, I forgive even my cousin, for being such a _____

Today I forgive Everyone

Today I am free...

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Jobless, but not jobless

Ok. Today is Raksha Bhandan and I have spent the whole day hiding under my bed. The day is almost over and this is not exactly what I had in mind when I thought of my life in August 09 a few months ago.

I thought I'd be complaining about Stifled A/C rooms, polluted cities and about missing friends " :( " and stuff like that than about how ferocious the mosquitos are under my bed and the amount of dust the Maid forgot to clean up under there. I even tried to draw a tree and some hills and a sunset on all that dust, but it started looking like something else, that's when I realised I am no Picasso.

I am in one of those weird situations where you have been offered a job but the company doesn't really want you anymore. [Read Dipshit]

Here is an account of my life lately:

~I don't have a job! But still, I have no time to come online for over 20 mins. So don't scratch your head on the title.

~I might be busy, but I am still bored

~I have finally enjoyed in patches with - A trip to M.M.Hills, The K.R.S, a school reunion and usual hangouts at the Betta.

~My fighters are still not making any love!

~People take my words a whole lot seriously now. Everytime I post a blog, I have to explain something, everytime I publish a Rakhi Sawanth Joke, I have to explain I don't hate Rakhi Sawanth or Arnold Schwarzenegger or anybody.

~I am the most un-serious man in the world. I'd be laughing six feet under losers, get over it!

~When people ask me what I have been busy with, and I can't really sum it all up in one go, they all think I'm showing off to sound important and shit. They are pissing me off.

~Katrina Kaif is hot.

~Priyanka Chopra doesn't have taste.

~I am wondering if I should learn something in music or something. Though I don't know why.

~Tell me something, do I sound like a desperate guy? (Don't answer that, Its there to rhyme with - I dunno why)

~Now at least one person will say "Don't worry it will be alright" which is the last thing I want to hear right now.

~On the 'ok' to 'somewhat ok' news range -
The SMS group seems to working properly again. But its the old group not the new one. In case you wanted a few laughs everyday.
SMS
JOIN INSANITY_UNLTD
to
9219592195
To join!

~Just a little more to convince you that life has totally hammered me right now:

~I think this is a crappy post, but I'm still publishing it. I dunno why.

~There are ants running around on my desk. I dunno why.

~I just used 'I dunno why' four times. I dunno why.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

My Hate..and love - expensive commodities!

This will be short:

I got an offliner after the last post, "Why do you hate the Americans so much?"

I never mentioned 'Americans' , I did mention 'America'

I do know a few Americans, and they are all neat people. I don't hate Americans or even Dislike them for that matter. (To answer that question, I was speaking about the selfish, dumbass, arrogant...policy, not the people - Well, maybe their politicians)

In fact I don't think I hate anybody. I never did. Personally I have always had hate clubs, and it almost always intrigued me than bother me. I agree I have disliked a few people recently. Not even that anymore. Isn't that great? It was bothering me that I was filling up with so many negative vibes. I don't exactly wanna be Mother Teresa, but I was reaching the limits.

I don't know why the change, but I'm loving it.

Monday, 27 July 2009

You scratch my back, I kick your butt

In a little town, there are 3 guys. Mr.A, Mr.B and a Mr.L.

Mr.A was poor and weak. But that is in the past when he was a kid. He is a big boy now. He is getting stronger, richer, he is coming up in life, the whole town is sitting up and taking notice.

Mr.B was at the top. Mr.B was Mr.It. He used hot air to get to the top, but of course, some credit has to be given. Now, his Numero Uno position is at risk.

Mr.L...well, Mr.L is just a joke. He is not Mr.C cause, well I dunno, I didn't think he was so far ahead at the line to get a 'C' so he got something like an L. I wanted to give him something as late as x,y,z, but they all sounded so cool, did not go with his image.


Here is the situation.

Mr.B is shit scared of Mr.A
Mr.B realises sooner or later he has to take out Mr.A sometime, but he doesn't know when. Because he just can't do it without a good reason. He now has to answer to a lot of people of the town you know.
Mr.B knows, he really can't take out Mr.A ALONE!

This is Mr.B's plan

1) Extend a hand of friendship with Mr.A (Read 'fake' or 'diplomatic')
Even promise to sell him nice big sticks for "security" because sticks are the In-Thing now! Sticks are soo IN!

2) Throw a nice juicy stake at Mr.L

3) B has an Ak-47, but sells a big knife to L, saying its the latest technology!

4) If and when the time comes, Let L attack A and soften him up. L takes all the kick ass punches and when A is finally getting tired and bleeding from the knife wounds, B comes in and knocks him out cold. Or at least, that's what B hopes to do!


But Mr.B, are you sure A is really as dumb as you think he is?



--

Match the following:

A,B and L

America, India and Pak



--

Please note: I know India is a she, not he, please don't try to be a smart ass!

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Into the unknown

Confused, perplexed, puzzled and lost
dazed,amazed, on a ship with a broken mast
No job, no money, no love, no aim
Not even a simple dream to claim

I'm not unhappy, I'm not sad.
I'm not happy, I'm still mad!
Nothing going on nothing to tell,
boring life, boring as hell.

Am I where I wanted to be on this day?
Where do I wanna be 10 years from today?
What do I want from life, where do I wanna go?
I'm sitting on a neat boat, with nothing to row!

I dunno who I am, nor who I was
what is the meaning of this pause?
Is it just a phase? Will it pass?
Or will I laze all life like a lump of mass?

I look in the mirror, I see some guy
I look into it deep and ask who am I?
I don't know myself, how will you?
A stranger to myself, the strangest truth.

Its not about this or that or anything exact
Its just about the loose ends in fact
Time to forget all the drama, all the hype
High time I started, coming up in life!

I'll come up myself, I don't need nothing!
Into the unknown, into the wild, a real homecoming.
One fine day, my calling will come,
That day, the whole World will know Who I Am!

Saturday, 20 June 2009

ಹೋರಾಟ ಮುಗಿಯಿತು


ನಾಲ್ಕು ವರುಷಗಳ ನಂತರ , ಎಲ್ಲಿಗೆ ಬಂದು ನಿಂತಿದೆ ನಮ್ಮ-ನಿಮ್ಮ ಪಯಣ ? :|

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Still alive!

If y'al thought that activity from my side of the world was a bit low and that I was only absconding cause it was exams, then what do I say...your thinking is wrong. It was my modem that was such a pain in the Bee-High-and-uhh!

I got it exchanged after a long and hard fought battle with the authorities(long story) and also after recovering from a fever that seemed to be as bad as the one I had in 10th ("The fever of '02".... "ooooh!") I am back, and I will be backer after some time.

Last battle will be fought tomorrow. Along with the project Viva the day after.

And yes, as usual, I have screwed up all my exams yet another time, in case you were wondering if things changed a lot in between.

Meet you when I return from my very last screw up. Good luck to fellow warriors.

Monday, 1 June 2009

Responx-kabiliky

One fine morning, after a rainy night,
I recalled the sound, I heard, at midnight.
It was the whine of puppies, definitely puppies you see
but Plutos unleashed, I didn't know how it could be

He is one jealous dog, my best bud Plu
Any other mutt near me, he gets the Flu
how would he let any puppies in??
Yet, wonder of wonders, there was a din

I dunno about cats, but it had surely rained dogs,
which I found out before my morning jog
Two cute puppies on my door step
and nearly 7 months later, its on my blog :)

Yes. It ain't just a poem, there actually were these two cute puppies who decided to make my home theirs, all of a sudden one rainy night. Pluto, who is such a big bully with most dogs, had cuddled up with them, all warm and dry.

Before we go further, Do you know about how nature takes care of orphaned puppies? It may sound cold, but its actually a good thing. Street dogs lay their litter in dumps and drainages, and sometimes they die for many reasons after giving birth. The puppies, whose existence is unknown to the rest of the world, wait for their mommee all day, and when they get really hungry and mommy ain't home for long, they go into deep sleep. Deep sleep..deeper sleep, and finally just die. Nice and easy along with their brothers and sisters.

The first time I heard this story was when I found a similar orphaned litter way back in 9th grade and a wise old lady told me about how they will soon die. Their mum had come under a road roller. The eternal dog lover that I am, rushed all the puppies to an empty site at the back of my house and I know what you are thinking- NO! - they didn't die out of boredom just cause they were stuck with me!

One puppy from THAT litter (The litter of '99) went on to become my first Dog - Tiger :) Love you Tigs! (In heaven now). BTW, do you know those hutch ads with the master and dog they used to air? It was probably inspired by how Tiger used to follow me around the neighbourhood.

Zeeeeeeezip! Back to the present. Next 1 week I had the honourable job of making sure our new guests were alive. You know why it's something to blog about? Because 2-3 week old puppies eat half a bread each and once every hour!! (And boy do they also sleep a lot!!.)

Now that must be what they call..what was that.. uhh...ummm Responx-kabiliky !

After the first week, they started roaming around and now they sleep on the streets and almost the whole street feeds them more than any dog can eat :) Ofcourse, they do pay me a visit every now and then. Probably, livelihood is more important than life, which is why they prefer to sleep near the homes of the people who feed them day and night. We are content with taking care of Plu!

Anyway, that was one of the best ONE WEEK of my recent life. Check out why:



Photos taken by Kavs who came shouting and jumping to my place to check out the pups-


This is what I call Raining Cats & Dogs!














Mooning event: The Black guy really hates Shoaib Akhtar













zzzzzzzz














Uhhh...Whats all that noise?













Ohhh hello. Can we sleep now?

--
Have guys like these, playing on your lap for a week and you will know why you need to feed that street dog in your lane 4 pieces of bread each day.




Woof!