Wednesday, 19 August 2009

My incredible boring life

This was supposed to be posted this February, and thus included how I always miss the first the class and get kicked out of the next, etc., But then the post turned out to be really long and I thought "Hey! Why would anybody be interested in my lousy life? Why would anyone go through such a long post?". And lo, the draft was buried 6 feet under.

I understand that my long posts don't work for you, but short posts are not working for me. Since I am at the centre of the universe, I'm afraid I will have to support me :P
Here is the story finally published, but this time, my incredible boring life doesn't even involve college.




After some real sleep

--------------------------

My typical day starts at 10:30 AM when all the kids in the neighbourhood have gone to school and attended at least 2 and a half hours of classes.

For the past three hours mum has been shouting at me to wake up. Dad has kicked me at least 7 times in the behind. The mutt has put his nose into my room through the window and whined at me at least 20 times. Even the maid has come in to clean and "accidentally" bumped my bed hoping to startle me out of my dead-like state. She fails badly as usual and mumbles something like

"What kind of a boy is he, sleeping when the sun is overhead, if he was my son I would have..."

I always miss the final words.

The phone has croaked with messages and more messages.

-Good morning! I want your MP3 player for a few days
-What was your project on?
-Did you watch the match yesterday?
-Hey, what's better Sony Ericsson 9857skjg or a Nokia 34958skjh?
-Hey why haven't you replied? I am at the shop, tell fast fast.
-What colour are your eyes?

(Not to mention the one-smiley-per-sentence policy that everyone seems to follow right now)

And many many more terribly important questions that just HAVE to be asked at the crack of dawn.(My dawn).

I have just heard the phone croak, I have no idea where the phone is. I grope around with my eyes closed and search for the cell on my bed. It's here somewhere, between the sheets or something.

Ahh, I find it. I carefully open one eye and look at the time. I have woken up early, it can't be over 7 AM at least today,lets see, fingers crossed..

Drum rolls..

The time is...


my heart beats with anticipation...


the suspense, I can't bear it...


10:30 AM!!


Oh phew, its just...WHAT!!!!!!!! TEN F%&&ing THIRTY AM???????

I take some time to blame myself, the alarm clock, my cell and ultimately God for not waking me up early.








The waking up ceremony
------------------------------

I roll over a few times and finally get up on what seems to be the wrong side of the bed every single day no matter which side I get up from.

I walk out wobbling like a drunk, stretching and finally collapsing onto a chair in the hall. There is the days newspaper somewhere, I pick it up and start glancing the headlines, still with eyes being open as little as possible. Just enough to let me read it and not enough to let much light inside.

It takes me about half an hour to get fresh. I come back and sit at my desk. I start the system to check for mails. Mum comes in and shouts at the top of her voice, which is usually half of how much I normally speak when trying to speak softly, and says "Get your tail of that chair and go take a bath. Is this the time to wake up? When will you have breakfast? And I will faint by the time you have lunch"
She pulls me and tugs at me. But I just lie there like a lump of mass.

"Chillax ma, I'll just have brunch yo"

" Yo my foot, you and your brunch. You call this a lifestyle, I dunno what I have to deserve this.."

She says that as her voice fades away between the criss-crossing walls of our home and into the kitchen.

Suddenly I realise something and I run behind her and start begging..

"Maaaaaaaa....maaaaaaa......"

"What ma? Who ma? I'm not your ma! What do you want? Shoo get lost. Watchmaaaan "

" Ma..haaa-haaa-aaaaaaa!! "

" Yeno adu? (What is it?) "

" Kaa..."

" What?? "

" Kaaa-feee "

" Coffee??? Go take a bath first, then have breakfast. Then coffee. "

I hug her tightly from behind, shake her up real good and shout loudly in her ear

"Coffeee coffee COFFEEEEEE "

"Yey...bidu (Let go off me)"

"Maaa haaaaa haaaaaawww"

"BIDUUUU"

"Kaaaaaafeeeeeeee"

and run away back into my room.

The spoilt son that I am, she proves by finally bringing a big glass of my elixir.




The coffee
------------

I Liked my coffee like I like my chicks, Hot, Wet and brown. And that's how its served for me.

BTW, do you know how I drink my coffee?

I first smell it. Ohhh..that kick...I smell it, I smell it...I smellllllllllll it...I let it completely take over me.

Then once I start sipping, I don't take the cup off my lips until its over. Friends say, I drink like a baby. Who cares. Me and my coffee, together forever at last! I will never leave you honey. Nobody will come between us.

I start dreaming about Me and The Coffee cup filled to the brim, running towards each on a beautiful beach with arms outstretched. And when it just looks like the two are gonna live happily ever after...screeech...I run outta coffee.

I start cursing at my life. Why can't I just have an unlimited reservoir of coffee man? It's not like I'm asking for a lot! Right?

Thank you God for Coffee, Chocolate and Cricket!





The Internet
---------------
Yeah, the internet business starts before the bath. Well a bit of it. Its just like checking mails n sh!t.

"XYZ also commented on ABC's shitty status"
"fwd:fw: beautiful words"
"Fw:fwd: plzzzzzzzzzzzzz pass this on don't neglect"

C'mon man what the hell ever happened to normal people and normal mail?

Hmmm. This is the internet, where little girls are CIA agents and jobless fools call themselves Iceman and believe they are anonymous!

The Bath
-----------
Well, to sum it up, I'm done at around noon. You must have already guessed that my brunch takes really really long.

Rest of the day
------------------

Staring at the wall
NFS-Most Wanted
Staring at the wall
Movie
Staring at the wall + lunch
chatting + explaining to everyone how I stare at the wall
Staring at the wall
And before I know it... BAM! Its night. Time to sleep. Except that I am not sleepy!
And did I mention staring at the wall?? It must have skipped my mind.



Somebody find me a job!



Will Work
for
coffee

5 comments:

Zabi said...

pathetic life, perfected. Can never find any thing even close to it. ha ha (just kidding..). Nice article. funny lolz. btw there is a movie coming up called "wake up sid" try to catch it some time.

http://zabishah.blogspot.com

Silverstreak said...

Hahaha this used to be me!! Except 2 hours later AND hungover most of the time.

Ah, the life!

Shimmer said...

Ahh... Coffee, the name itself lifts up ur mood...

its pretty interesing how all our jobless days match :P

Kavya said...

Can we switch over places ??

Maybe at least for few days . .

sigh !

Iceman said...

@Zabi saab
Thnx :D

@SS
What happened to that life? Woke up? :P

@Shimmer
Shut up kid. You have no idea how it feels to be without a job yet

@Kavya
I would trade place with you in a heart beat!