Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Crushed Ice

It was a really long time ago that I wondered how insane it would be to list all my crushes and the stories related. It's not a long list, but it would definitely be a long post. And of late, most of you hate my long posts (along with my short, medium and medium-short posts). So I decided to not go ahead with trying out that idea. But I will talk about some significant incidents. For example...

My First Crush

She was this girl in my class, who used to come on my school bus. I had never had an actual crush before, and this one really confused me. Having been brought up with a lot of boys AND girls, I never saw much of a difference between both. All that changed one fateful day when she walked past the window beside which I was seated inside the bus, with those earrings.

Yes, it was those earrings that did the trick, sorry if you were expecting something more romantic like long shining hair, or hips that swayed side to side like a plantain leaf in the warm afternoon wind, or a voice so sweet that you needed three shots of insulin to digest her "hello", but I'm not much of a romantic writer.

Back to the crush. She appeared in my dreams that night. I don't really remember seeing her face at all. Just her earrings and her voice, the way I imagined it - hoarse and loud, but lovable. I still remember the dream, it was just as weird as those earrings(Come to think of it, the earrings were not that weird).

Before we continue with the story, I must tell you that she belongs to one of those ultra decent categories. Won't see a boy, won't hear a boy, won't.. Because boys are EVIL!! Well, now she is a bit more relaxed now though.

I thought about her and that dream for the next five days during class, at home, on the football field. Everywhere. Yes. That was my first real crush. She broke the ice, so I guess she will be a legend some day (She better be)

How I got over her

You know how people say that the first crush is really special and you have a weakness for her and all? Well, not really.

This thinking and day dreaming lasted for five days. After that, the school closed for the Dasara vacations and when we came back, I didn't remember anything no more. Only when I finally became friends with her 8 years later, that I suddenly remembered everything and haven't forgotten ever since. I found it very funny how I had forgotten about it. Since I was cool about it, I told her how I had a 5 day crush on her once and Good Lord she totally freaked out and ran amock all around town for the next one month.

" Ahh...that monster said he has a crush on me. Now I have lost all my purity. My squeaky clean image..its destroyed. Nobody will marry me. Why GOD WHY? WHY ME??? "



The Grand Finale (Last crush)

Zooming past all the other mediocre crushes, I bring you to the very last crush, which happened quite a years ago despite being my last. Well, she was this immigrant from Antarctica, she ruled a kingdom there (Queen of ice). She didn't say so, but she was so cold that we could take a guess.

Another good guess could have been that she was a robot from the future/alien planet.

"Feelings? What are these feelings you speak about? Are they the paper things you hang in the toilet? Where I come from, they call them tissue paper."

Thank GOD I never gave her a rose. If I ever did, she would look at it with absolute curiosity for the next ten minutes, the would have bitten off the top, crunched it like a Cadburies 5 star and then spit it in my face complaining that I gave her something that wasn't sweet/juicy enough.

Seriously, at 2 feet 7 inches and 14 microns tall, she was so full of herself, that you could bet your cojones off that when she is finally six feet under, she would turn into a manure mine if you know what I mean.

Brain Versus Heart - How I got over her

You know how all the negative traits of a person vanishes when you have a crush on her? It was the same with me. I never saw how she was close to a star wars character than a normal one as long as I was totally hammered over her. All that changed one fateful afternoon when we met right after lunch.

She might have been a messy eater all along and I never noticed it, until then, or maybe that particular day she had been really messy. Clearly, she had some stuff on her cheek. (To put it in a nutshell. Because the detailed truth might make it gross. Plus I have a weak stomach for such things myself.). So as one last favour to my last crush, I told her to wipe her slimy face, when nobody was looking. And now that I had seen that..I had seen it all.

I mean clearly, I did not want a girlfriend with whom I could guess what she had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last three days. No sir.

Score one for the brain. Brain 4 - Heart 0.

Good thing she doesn't read my blog. Or she might fry my ass with a plasma ray gun or a laser bazooka that is likely to be hidden in her bionic arm.


Somewhere in between - my 2nd or 3rd crush..no 2nd..no wait 3rd.

Explaining only my first and last crushes did seem like selling a used shoe for couple a thou. So here is a freebie in the pack.

I dunno which number she comes into. Oh wait...she was the 2nd. Or so I think. Anyway, she was this childhood friend. She had shown that she had a hint of liking to me and for a lot of years that made me uncomfortable. But after I got over my crush of Britney Spears, I started looking at my real life options.

By the way, yes, I am not including Britney Spears in the list. Its just way too lame when people put celebrities on the their list of crushes.

"Hey, who was your first crush?"
"No, its a secret"
"Hey please tell me" (Say its me! Because you were mine)
"No..but I had only like three"
"Cmon, please tell me" (Oh wow, my chances have gone up, but who the hell are the other two losers?)
"Ok. Aamir Khan, Richard Gere and George Clooney"
"Oh so nice" (Bitch!)

Never happened to me but I have seen guys complain about this a lot. So I didn't put celebs on my list. I didn't want to be a bitch.

Sorry about the off topic, so lets get back to talking about my 2nd. So she was this only girl I was close to at that point in time. Eventually I ended up with a teeny tiny crush on her.

How I got over her

Sad story. True story (All of the stories on my blog b.t.w). One fine day she had asked me to meet her when she was visiting my college. I had never made a move on her and had never planned to. Well that's me. But I was meeting her after a really long time. We had just kept in touch over the net and the phone, busy with our own lives. So we finally meet and I get a close up of her and find that she had really brown teeth. Good God!

Score one for brain. Brain 2 - Heart 0


I know. I know. I am a jerk!

(And just so you know, I won't be revealing/confirming the names of any of these chicks online or offline, at any cost. Thank you)

I am the kind of guy who gives the rest a bad name. But give it a thought..imagine me saying

"I like my girlfriend's teeth like I like my coffee...BROWN!"

Thank you brain. All of you are free to go ahead and call me a douche, but believe you me. If it wasn't for my brain and its quick reflexes, I wouldn't be as awesome as I was today and I wouldn't have written a single story on my blog.

And if you must know about my celebrity crushes, they were Catherine Zeta Jones, Britney Spears, Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra and maybe lately Katrina Kaif. In that order.

I know that I am a guy who is single by choice. By second choice. But given a choice, I would still opt to wait for the perfect girl. One who doesn't feel I tarnished her squeaky image by being with her, or has a "Guess what I had for lunch" face, or has a...oh well, you get the picture. Or maybe, I will turn into the crazy snake guy.


Perfect girl...are you there?

11 comments:

Abhishek said...

U imagined ur girl's voice to be "hoarse and loud"!! ROLF..
typical of iceman..
hope u find ur dream girl...

pRITHAM said...

"Ok. Aamir Khan, Richard Gere and George Clooney"
"Oh so nice" (Bitch!)

hahhahaha...nice one..so true...nice read dude...made me laugh :-D

Kavya said...

I liked this part "I like my girlfriend's teeth like I like my coffee...BROWN!". :D

Anyway I hope you find a slim, tall and straight haired gal :P. I am sure when you find her you can impress her by your awesomeness!! :)

chinmayi said...

ya rite ..u are a good story teller :P

perplexed said...

What about now though? all those IT girls and all? There must be someone no?

Define perfect!

naina said...

Hey Dev, this one's hilarious man!! I kept imagining you while reading, i just could not
stop laughing. How could you be so mean... u've pointed out Brown teeth, breakfast struck face,
hollywood crush list etc... Poor gals! :) Anyways, the best one here is... the "BITCH" part. Loved it!! ;)

anusha said...

Looks like your heart has fallen for every kinda girl. I wonder what kind will it eventually settle for? :P

Iceman said...

@ Anusha

The insane kind ;)

Iceman said...

@Abhishek..no more dream girls..just perfect girl

@Kav..yeah thats the dream :P

(See what I did there?? In the two replies)

@pRITHAM \m/

@Chinmayi Yes I am. Especially when the stories are true

@Perplexed
First of all..what happened to your blog??
Second NO IT GIRLS. Atleast not right now. They all repell me.
Thirdly I will define my perfect sometime soon

@Naina Did you really think I was mean? You have no idea how much that compliment means to me. I must be peaking my blogging talents

perplexed said...

repel you? How so? ok.. rather why so?

Iceman said...

Dunno..all of them have that Distant look in their eyes and the "What have I done??!!??" look on their faces. Can't live with that! :P