Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Tour of Oz

You can skip this post if:
1) You are not a cricket fan
2) You don't like test cricket
3) You like to read only extremely small posts


There is something I love about winter. I dunno what it is. I just feel good in winter. Of course there is the
occasional cough n cold, but my spirits are definitely high. Also, the last three India's tours of Australia have started in Winter.

The first India's tour of Australia I actually remember watching was the 2003-04 tour. That was one Legendary tour, especially if you are big test fan. Ahhh Nostalgia. I remember waking up early to watch. Bunking college. Sometimes, rushing to the bakery next to college to catch the action. Then sit in the park for hours analysing the match with fellow cricket freaks.

Ganguly started with an awesome century. Laxman, Sehwag, Sachin came in with big knocks. But the highlight of it all was Dravid's double century. Taking on the giants and leading India to its first test victory down under in over 22 years.

Ever since, whenever Ind toured Aus, I have woken up early and followed the game.

I remember being very tense earlier this year when India was set to play Pakistan in the World cup. I kept shouting at everyone in office. I had the same feeling a couple of days before the boxing day test.

All my hopes of watching India win a tour in Australia are pinned on the current tour. Not because its the best Indian team to go there. But because its the worst Australian team to be fielded in quite a while. In fact, their current team is nothing in comparison with the current Indian Team. All said and done, the Indian team itself is highly in experienced. Out of the playing 11, Dravid, Sachin, Sehwag, Zaheer and Laxman can be said to have experience. That's just 45% of the team. IMHO it should be 7/8 members of the team with 4-3 fresh blood at most.


The first test culminated a few minutes ago as I write this and India who looked on top earlier on, have been crushed by an awesome performance from the ozzies. Full credit to the Australians. They deserve the win. But it got me thinking, how can a side with a handful of seniors beat a side with a couple more of them?

The answer lies in the pitch that was prepared. It was an even pitch. A light green top with something in it for the bowlers but a lot in it for the batsmen as well. The bounce ensured it came onto the bat, but the grass gave some opportunity to the seamers.

Umesh Yadav was a good find. I'm sure Pattinson was the same for them. Both have good futures for their respective teams if groomed well. Something tells me Mallya has his eyes on Pattinson.


Yet all the batsmen crumbled and only the best of the best managed any knocks: Dravid, Sachin, Ricky, Hussey. The Indian batsmen have been spoon fed with batting pitches in India. They put up a great show in India and look like clowns on alien soil.


This is a wake up call for curators in India to make some green tops in the future. Of course, there is always the theory that a pitch must be made in favour of the home side. But with that mentality we will go back to being bad tourists as we were famously known for in the 70s and the 80s. At least at the end of a home series or when we are in a commanding position in the series, green tops should be made so that the batsmen are groomed for even pitches.


In a nutshell:
I still think the current team has what it takes to win this series. Probably 2-1. All they gotta do is play it session by session, patiently.


This fan has no nails left to bite! WE HAVE TO WIN THIS. Damn I'm so tense.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Run boy run..

This a true (silly, pointless, facepalm) story:


Once upon a time, me and a couple of friends had to get back home from somwhere. The "home" was a kilometer away and there was only one bike, a Royal Enfield Bullet. The person who had dropped and gone to his home.

It was decided that my two friends would go back on the bullet while I walked back. Because I liked to. Personal choice.

And so they went. As soon as they started, I had an idea, they were taking the longer route because the roads were wider, I could take the SLIGHTLY shorter gullies. So I ran and ran and ran, with the sound of the bullet engine within ear shot.

It was a about a 7 minute run. Guess who got home first?


Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!


Morale of the story: What does that make me?



Come on...its silly, but its cryptic. Im sure you can crack this one!!












It shows I am...


One of these days, I'll get back in shape and show you!



Saturday, 17 December 2011

Timeline

I recently got "The timeline" (you have to say that like you would say "The death star" or "The Millennium Falcon").

The moment I realised I could get it before they decided to activate on their own will, I jumped at it and got it. Not that I was eagerly waiting for it, but because its one of the most irksome, 'destroy-your-private-life' kind of feature, especially for people like me, that facebook has released yet.

It's a feature where all your past posts, activites etc etc, can be easily surfed through in a brand new interface. Its basically a quicker archive.

I had to get it quickly because I wanted to know what sort of shit I had posted ages ago and what should definitely not be there for my detractors to see and what could land me in trouble with my company or relatives etc.

And I was surprised. There wasn't a single such thing. The most common feedback I ever got was that I was blunt, rude and the blah. And yet, there weren't a lot of posts I would have cared to delete. Though I did hide about 4 posts from my timeline, plainly because they were outright silly. Or maybe all our posts sound silly 2 years later. As a result of this, two years were blown straight out of the timeline.

I was even more surprised to see the scarcity of my posts. I don't think I found over 20 status messages over so many years. Glad to know that I ain't among the feed flooders.

Facebook has been known to make a mess of good things a little too often. After going through this new feature I must say I have to say its a work of art. Lemme explain why.

1) You are less likely to delete your account now, because it seems more like your memories are attached to it. Trust me, some of your own old posts might make you smile. Besides, I know some of you jobless folks. You have spent half your life on the site and your poor employers even paid you for it.



2) It makes it easy for the advertisers to collect info on you and target user specific ads.



3) Even though it will eventually be activated to everyone, some of you can do so right away. Absolutely genius move this. Why?
Facebook has learnt from its past mistakes. Everytime they made a change, they messed up. People hated it, protested and eventually just learnt to live with it than leave. This time, its voluntary. So even though this is by far the biggest privacy concern, nobody will realise it.
 - One person uses it.
 - Realises that his/her friends don't have it.
 - They brag about it. (And my dear cynics, this is not what I am doing.)
 - Their friends activate it.

And so the water trickles. The sheep jump into the pit on their own and facebook doesn't have to lift a finger.




All said and done:
There is one thing I do like in this new change though. And that is the "Cover". I loved it. I Chose something nice for mine and trust me I didn't break my head too long over it.


Lastly, the timeline made me realise one more thing. It has been the longest standing social network ever. According to my observation, the successful ones last for 3 years. People seem to simply migrate to something else after that. Myspace, Orkut..so on. FB has stuck on for 5 years. Wonder what will be the next big thing. I have high hopes on Diaspora. I had very discreetly mentioned in one of my posts --> "Forget IP addresses the world is running outta good names"

In India, ofcourse, the facebook boom happened around 2009 when suddenly people started flooding the network. I think I had 36 friends here till 2009. Now it stands at a little over 500. That's actually less, when compared to some of my "So nice to know you...hey! Are you on facebook?" kinda friends.

I have been considering closing my account for quite a while. The only reason I haven't is not the love of the site but the fact that all my friends are there and is the best way to stay in touch. However, I do love twitter. Its like an addiction. Sadly 95% of my friends don't seem to know about twitter. Its short and sweet, unlike me, yet.

(Disclaimer: This post doesn't endorse any site. Nor trash it.)

BTW, did you know that, if you delete your account, your photos are still retained. Wonder how on earth they could make money from that? Something tells me, I don't want to know the answer to that question.





Social-life-ka-boom warning system: Once you activate the timeline, you have 7 days before its published, so hurry up if you have skeletons in the closet ;)

Dear Santa

Adopt, don't buy
I just had to share this..

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Did I just kill my blog?

Im still wondering when I must or not. My friends say not yet and I agree, but if I were to, do you have any suggestions for the name?

And trust me, this is not the kind of thing people do when they ask for suggestions and you rack your brains to come with an impressive answer and in the end they consider none of it just so that they dont have to credit the name to you. If you idea is good, I will consider it. I was thinking of:
1) Homo Sheepians (Title of the first comic)
2) Asylumos
3) Ding!


--


In other news,

I royally hate the 3g stick I am using to connect to the internet from my room. It belongs to my roommate and boy is it slow.

In order to get consistent access to the net, I have to keep the door open. But if I keep the door open a friendly neighbourhood grasshoper seems to be adamant as hell to get indoors and lo, 75% of my time with a good connection is spent in keeping the insect out of the house.


By time I get one simply project going on my netbook, I think I would be more equipped with the Class Insecta in the linnaeus classification than any other geeky stuff on the planet.

--


Also,

I keep wondering if I totally killed my blog by taking to comics? Because everytime I see something funny, I think of it as something I could write a comic on.


--


Finally,

You know that stage of life? Where you are very confused about the future and...yeah well most of you guys follow me on --> twitter. Well its back!

Friday, 18 November 2011

An alien ate my homework

"I don't even know what that means!"

Right! 


"I would. I want to. But I can't, because my cousins also follow it and I don't want them to know that I do too."

Whaaaaat?


"You know you are awesome. A person should not need some external entity to provide solace to the question of whether anybody likes what you have to say or write on an open expression platform. Besides, you are a cynic. Your beliefs and idealogies are hardly motivated by the opinions of other people, I know this for a fact, so why does it matter?"

So that's a No then?




"I was about to, but just when I typed the first letter a trojan that had infected my computer acted up and the whole system was frozen for all eternity so I couldn't, there was smoke and everything, I was so scared. They had to give me an injection to calm me down. Sorry.."

I am now thinking of taking up drinking Charlie Sheen style. And without water.


"Hey I did..I seriously did, I even took a picture of it on my phone as proof, but someone stole my phone."

I wish I had a gun.



These are some of the replies that have succeeded a typical conversation like this:

Person: Hey checked out your blog. It was awesome!
Iceman: Yeah? Thanks. Do leave comments when you read something you like.
Now, go read the post from the beginning.





While considering the amount of effort you guys are putting into coming up with these elaborate excuses, there are two things that come to my mind

1) I need to seriously stop asking people for comments. After all, my obsession is only with numbers and NOT a good hard ego-massaging..

2) Advice some of you to try writing screenplays for sci-fi movies.
    Cause people accept anything that happens in a sci-fi movie.


And the biggest wake up call is to completely disable comments on my posts (Which is how it was when I initially started writing), before someone comes up with something like this:


- I wanted to, but I write my comments on a sheet of paper first and check for spalling mishtakes and grammatical errers, yes, I always doing because me perfect always, and when i doing this, suddenly suddenly a crow coming and taking the sheet of paper from me and swallowing while sitting on the coconut tree.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

When Schumi met Sachin












And later Sachin's fantastic never-before heard reply:


One to ask an awesome question, other to give a LEGEND-wait-for-it- ARY reply.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

One and Four

There are 411 posts in the bin (Published + draft) and there are 114 followers. Now I feel like Michael Schumacher who won his 7th World championship in the same race where Ferrari won their 700th race and he said “Eet eez zust ze reverrrzze.”

And here is a tit-bit: On 7th November, 1996 NASA launched the Mars Global Surveyor. Also Doodle tells me its Madam Curie’s 144th Bday. Her research shall forever radiate through the millions of peoples who were treated for cancer.


All you 114 people are AWESOME. The 4th Comic is out, hope you like it :)

The Million Dollar Moustache



There is a saying in Kannada:
ಊಟ ತನ್ನ ಇಚ್ಛೆ , ನೋಟ  ಪರರ ಇಚ್ಛೆ 
It means, what you eat, is up to you, but what you look like is governed by the people who are around you.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           
Having heard this (only a few million times from my mum), my sudden fits of wanting to trying to try new things (plus the adrenaline rush of some very good coffee that day) caused me to shave off my moustache and then
                                                                                                                                                                       
* My dad had a mild heart attack.                                                                                   
                                                                                   
* My mum disowned me.                                                                                   
                                                                                                               
* Two girls changed their phone number.                                                       
                                                                                                                                           
* I was banned for life from entering Big Bazaar.

and finally

* A puppy committed suicide.


I have learnt my lesson, I'm never doing that again. (Unless the fit repeats or have loads of good coffee. I have no control you see.)

And if my prospective girlfriend is reading this post, I'm sure I have changed the equation a bit. This is why I don't want a lot of girls reading my blog. Reduces my options.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Nothing else matters

No I didn't go to the concert. I'm not here to write an ego-centric rant about how awesome a day I had at Palace grounds on 31st. In fact, I'm here to write an ego-centric rant about how I didn't have an awesome day on 31st at the Palace grounds! Which means you don't have beat yourself up about how my life rocks more than yours.                                                                                              




It must have been May when Metallica first announced that they are gonna be touring India. I was online when they posted it on their FB page. I didn't waste a second in logging in to the site that was handling the ticketing. I even almost logged into my bank account in my excitement. That's when I realised I should probably figure out who I'm going with. Which eventually led to the realisation that in all these years, I had barely heard anyone express their appreciation of the music that Metallica had made. So I guess I would be forcing people to go to the concert of a band they were never really interested in.


FML I thought as I closed the site and decided to get on with my usual boring life.

Fast forward 6 months..half the people I know have been to the concert and back while Im sitting on my laptop and sketching comics. Now thats an FML moment for you!

CrazyKav: Im going to Metallica concert now
Iceman: Why are you talking to me?
CrazyKav: Shut up bitch


All jokes apart, I don't see it as a big deal except for the curious case of shifting ironies, where there is nothing that stands still for a single moment.


"Some days you are the priest, and some days you are the altar boy."
--
Iceman

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Then, now and forever

On this occasion, let me first wish you a happy Kannada Rajyothsava.

Secondly, let me share a little story that happened a little over a year ago in my work town.

It so happens that Bangalore (where I work) is one of the most wonderful cities on earth. Everyone is welcome here. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are from, who you been banging, Bangalore welcomes you with open arms and takes you in like one of its own.

This I was happy about. Mixing with people and all that shit. Anyway, so here I am, at work, I have just finished my 3 month training and was the first person in my group to be brought to a high security floor in the building, because the manager supposedly saw a "spark" in my eyes.

However, they made sure that the "spark" died down as quickly as it had sparked in me, by seating me in the farthest part of the huge floor, away from anyone in my project.

Again, at the time, it didn't look like an issue to me at all since I make friends with anyone who breaths (and sometimes not even that). All said and done, all the people around me were strangers and not a single person among them spoke Kannada. Some were speaking in Telugu, some in Bengali. I never even heard any hindi or Urdu. I could have managed that. They all did make a poor attempt at 'speak-a-in-a-English'.

Meanwhile. my kannada speaking group, it still beats me why I use the word 'my' to this day, had banished me from their kingdom and had made a pact among themselves that I would not be called to lunch. Or at least it looked like that, cause everyday it was the same old story.

"Where were you? We were waiting for you at lunch!"

"Oh 'Haha' I thought you had my number, but never mind, I made friends with that gentleman over there and lunched with him. Nice chap he is."

This went on for a week and that weekend I didn't return home.

Second week started. Same old shit. Heady cocktail of Bongoli, Telugu, Damil, Malayalam, Oriya and what not. The problem also was that these people did not want to speak to a person who was not from his state, or did not speak his language. Socializing was getting harder and harder.


I was coming to the end of the second week. It was probably a Thursday, when I was moving up the stairs to the cafe for some coffee, when I suddenly heard music to my ears, two people, speak to each other in....*drum rolls* .... Kannadaaaaaa.


Come on every body in Robin Scherbatsky style:
Kannadaaaaaaaaaa
Kannadaaaaaaaaaa
Kannadaaaaaaaaaa

Thank you everybody, now lets go to the mall.


I was completely tranquillized and mesmerised by the beautiful sounds they were uttering. It was like, I was listening to music, or like I was remembering something enchanting, like a hypnotic mantra I had heard in my previous life.

I was heading up, they were heading down. Completely unaware of myself, I slowly turned around and started following them with zombie-like drooping shoulders. I'm not sure if I had started drooling. Eyes half open like as if I was high on coke, I just followed them, listening to every little detail of the sound that had to be made to utter each and every Kannada word. Pure heaven. I followed them until we reached ground floor. Thats when I suddenly came to my senses. Took me a moment to realise that I had come to the ground floor and had no idea why I was there and where I really should have been.

Yes, I am not kidding. You will realise that I have not over sold it here if you go through my situation. That is how beautiful Kannada is. And though I always appreciated the beauty of the language, I only realised my own attachment to it on that fateful day. Funny I should write this whole saga in English? How will the others read this and agree/disagree with me then?

For a blog completely written in Kannada, head over to Mithun's blog "You will never walk alone :  Global Meltdown". I can't promise you its awesome, cause I was not able to read it yet, but I can tell you he is awesome.

Coming back, I don't like to use the words "Proud to be a Kannadiga". Because its total bullshit. There is no point in being proud because its not an achievement, you didn't work hard and become one.

However I like to use the words "Lucky to be a Kannadiga".


ಅಂದು, ಇಂದು, ಎಂದೆಂದಿಗೂ - ನಾನು ಕನ್ನಡಿಗ!



Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Melodies..not so long ago

Anjane - Strings                                                                                             
                                                                                                                                                                                           
Aap ki Dua - KK                                                                                                                                            
                                                                                                                                            
Dhoom pichak dhoom - Euphoria                                                                                             

Kabhi meri gali aana ji - Euphoria

Purani Jeans - Ali Haider

Kabhi aisa lagta hain - Lucky Ali


-


Why are (such) albums so rare these days?


Oh and also..

Dhood Dhood Dhood Dhood...

and many many more.



Thursday, 6 October 2011

Man's best friend

I had seen this picture very very long ago in an email. Supposedly of an abandoned dog. I would like to find out more about this story someday. Until then I decided to share this picture and this poem(found it on fb), which I have NOT written.
                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                               

"Woof!" I said as you started the car,
"Hooray!" I said, it's my first time afar.
The scents we were passing were all new to me,
For it was my first introduction to this mystery.
As we got out of the car I embraced you with joy,
After all you remembered to bring my favourite toy!
You threw it once or twice, of which I retrieved,
But on the third it seemed you were ready to leave.
You threw it long and hard and I chased it like lightning,
But when I turned to bring it back I saw a sight quite frightening.
I gripped my toy hard as I tried to comprehend
What it was I did wrong to make our relationship end.
You walked back to your car as I sat there still loyal.
Why am I subservient and you so royal?
Your engine started, and you peeled out into the night,
You didn't even care about my overwhelming fright.
As I sat in my pose determined you would come back,
The sun faded behind me while the surroundings turned black.
Day after day I stayed in that park,
Lying... waiting... too feeble to bark.
As I lay there dying thinking of you master,
I asked myself how I got into this horrifying disaster.
With my last breath of life, I whispered your name
Then I collapsed in a heap overrun by pain.
Why didn't you love me master? Why didn't you care?
Had I no significance, was I just a clump of hair?
I stayed there master and I waited for you
I guess taking care of me was just too much to do.
I'm gone now master, no more You-and-I
But what I can't figure out is why you didn't even say goodbye...





If you are the kind who liked this post or if you are a dog/animal lover or simple a movie lover you might want to watch "Hachiko - A dog's story" if you haven't already. Not for the squishy hearted :D

Friday, 30 September 2011

The office Ep 6 - Lord take me right now



LEADing by example

                                                                                                                                 
Iceman: Man the fuel prices are getting higher, I will not bring my bike back here on Monday.
Team Lead (TL): Is it? Then how will you come to office?
Iceman: Figuring out a way. I'm okay walking back home, but its the morning thats the problem. I hate crowded buses and I don't want to walk in the sun.
TL : Walk? How can you walk back. Its so far!
Iceman: Its only 3 KMs.
TL: Three kilometers??? :O That is too far!!
Iceman: Relax. I'm used to running 4.5 Kilometers flat out.
TL: 4.5 Kilometers?
Iceman: Yes.
TL: Together??

I give the customary "3-second-stare" for his brain to catch up...

Iceman: No, 10 meters each day.
TL: Ahh...that anyone can do.
*Iceman Facepalm*


--
Miss Multilingual.
Gee, thanks for explaining that with a picture doc.

Wannabe funny girl: Hey do you speak sarcasm?
Iceman: Sarcasm? Meeee??? Nooooooo!!
WFG: Thats sad cause that is the only language I speak. I love it.
Iceman: Haha...you are so smart!!
WFG: Ofcourse. :)
*Iceman Facepalm*

--



Kutty woman. (Say that in the tune of the song "Pretty woman" - Roy Orbison/KHNH)

You know usually everything seems to be so normal and peaceful and suddenly every now and then, unbelievable things happen and you just can't get a grip over yourself. Either the Almighty has sentenced me to spend my life amidst weirdos, or its just that I am a giant blimp on their "victim-radar".

There is this lady in the testing team, she is from Kerala (Hence the name) and has that forever scornful look on her face...

Kutty woman
She gave me the shock of my life recently when I was giving her a review of the test cases she had prepared for my work packet.

Iceman: These TCs look okay, but please include those 3 scenarios I mentioned in the mail.

Kutty Woman (KW): Are you catholic?
Iceman: What?
KW: Are you catholic?
Iceman: What does that have to do with the TCs? Did I say something wrong?
KW (Now very irritated and with the kind of urgency a virgin man would have while chasing a naked woman just 30 seconds before the end of the world): Are you catholic?
Iceman: No man..I'm not even Christian.
KW: Do you know you are going to hell?

I was a little appalled but then composed myself...

Iceman: Oh Yes, Im the guest of honour there.


I'm still wondering who gave this missionary a job here? That lady gives me the heebie-jeebies now. Brrrrr.




Last but not the least, Mr.Playa.


Mr.Playa is this guy I had seen like all over the floor. He looks like your everyday guy. Just going about his duty. But before we get into his story, I must first tell you about some weird voices I heard in the restroom.

BTW, this must be the third story from the rest room? I must start a sub-series on the rest room rather. All the freaks seem to hold a convention there.


So I am washing my face in the rest room and I suddenly hear these stifled voices

"Come on you can do it"

"Come on...come on..."


When I look up, I find The Playa talking to his little friend from down south, encouraging him to do his thing while keeping his eyes shut hard. I think I saw him pump his fist in encouragement.

I thought this was the limits. A 30+ guy who had to work so hard to take a leak.











Have you seen the one where Joey says to Chandler how he can't go when he is nervous? Well NOW do you understand this guy's problem? He can't even go when he is calm.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Happy Engineers day - September 15th


A doctor heals lives,                            
A soldier protects lives,                           
An engineer makes those lives worth living.


Happy Engineers day to all the engineers out there.

(Let us see how many of you get the name of the guy in the picture wrong.)

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

The Untameable wild spirit

                                                                                                   
                                                                                                    
                                                                                                
                                                                                                 
                                                                                                
                                                                                                 
                                                                                                
                                                                                                     
I'm the wild stallion you couldn't chase,
I'm the speedy legs who didn't run your race,
I'm the dark horse you couldn't tame,
Where the heart should be, there's a raging flame

The rules of your game fail to bind me down,
Not for success nor failure I wish to be renown,
And though I might be leaving much to chance,
All I care for is a carefree prance.


Yet, I wouldn't mind if you don't remember my name,
I wouldn't bat an eyelid for a shot at fame,
I do ask to be left to be free,
A sunny afternoon and the cool shade of a tree.


A world where I have nowhere to be,
no duties to fulfil, nor the burden of responsibility,
no time constraints, no attire to obey,
just me, a little colour and the entire day.


A world where I am allowed to listen to a song,
from beginning to end, without interruption,
where strings and beats can overload my senses,
a world without borders and fences.



I don't want your religion, I don't want your God,
I don't want your country, territory or safe abode,
Your colour, race, culture, ethics and way to be,
because clearly you are all way too blind to see.



Sunday, 4 September 2011

A new high in cute - True love

I thought little kids were scared of cooties.

Show me something cuter!

In other news:
Today is also the anniversary of my parents. Happy anniversary to them.
Also, two of my friends from college got married. Hearty congratulations and a happy married life to them! :)

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Typical Discussion of the Indian Batting line up

I wonder if the typical Discussion of the Indian Batting line up goes like this:



Opener 1 to Opener 2: Dude which one of us is going to get out in the first over?

Opener 2: Lets flip a coin and decide.

*Flips*


Opener 1: Damn it man. How come you get to get out every time? There is pressure on me after you leave.


After dismissal.


Number 3 AKA Rahul Dravid: We need to bat and bat and bat until these guys get bored and slip into a coma. We have to build an innings, do you read me soldier? DO YOU??


Opener 1 (Almost peeing himself): Sir! Yes Sir!


After stabilizing the innings Opener 1 and Rahul Dravid fall in quick succession and walk back to the pavillion to standing ovation.

People hurriedly login to Facebook and twitter to show their love for these cricketers. (Others like me stop watching once Dravid gets out)


Batsman 4 to Batsman 5: Dude!


Batsman 5: Dude!


Batsman 4: Are you thinking what I am thinking?


Batsman 5: Totally dude! Lets totally screw up what the top order did.


Batsman 4: I was actually thinking of getting high after the match, but that's also an awesome idea.


Approximately 35 seconds later Batsmen numbered 4,5,6,7,8 and 9 have fallen for around 3 runs. A phenomenon known as


The Great Indian Collapse


Number 10 and 11 hang around for around 10-20 deliveries and knock a few around. Make 4-9 look like little kittens, before being dismissed.

Number 11: We totally kicked their ass!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

The epitome of maturity

That's me!
                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                          

Alert: One friend has complained that I write more about my office lately and two have complained that my posts are very long to read. All three of them are certain to be disappointed with this post.

    
Ever since I moved to a new neighbourhood and at the same time moved to this city to start working, the sudden change in environment and the expectation of the general public that a 20+ guy must and should behave like a 20+ guy had put immense pressure on me. I could just not be myself any more.

Back in my old neighbourhood, or even in college, I didn't have to use the gate to get into the house, I could sing as loudly as possible (unless people came over with sticks and cricket bats to investigate if my dad was beating up my mum). I could shout all I want, anything I want.
Aaaaand most importantly I could hog on chocolates around my friends without being accused of behaving like a kid or worse..a girl.

In my new neighbourhood, I am that gentlemen who is in town only for the weekend, very well behaved, opens his mouth only to say "Hello auntiji/uncleji/thatha/ajji". Nice boy! Sweeet boy. (Someone put a silver bullet in my heart. Pronto.)


At office...PROFESSIONAL! *Ting*


As they say, you cannot cage a monster. In my case..the immaturity. And I found that out at the worst possible moment. Let us start from the beginning.

When I started working, my family had their doubts whether I would really get up before noon and head away to work when I was not under their supervision. I proved them wrong by being at office sharp on time, well before 9, spic and span.


But that was 1 and a half year ago. Today its a completely different scene. At 10 AM there is a very good chance that I will still be asleep. When I finally step into office, its 11 AM and I look like I have just gotten out of bed, my hair is all untidy and eyes half open. I notice some of them, say "Hi!" with just one eye open and stifle it with a careless yawn. I do notice my manager who is trying to make some eye contact so that I understand I am late, but I give him more than he bargained for by staring at him for about 40 seconds almost like asking "yeah....so what? So WHAT? Bite Me!!".

I'm telling you, I am very close to getting fired. The only reason they don't fire me is because they know that I AM working sincerely. Many days I work pretty long hours.


Well, enough was enough. Last Monday the manager wanted to give me a piece of his mind. Fortunately I was not the only issue in my team. The others though they came on time, they would take leaves whenever they wanted..and their 'seriousness' was in question because they failed to produce some documents or whatever. They organized a daily meeting of about 7 people. 1 manager, 3 seniors (including my lead) and 3 juniors (including me.) hoping that it would keep us in check.  This meeting was supposed to start from Monday, but as things turned out, I came to office at 12:30 PM while 2 of the guys were on leave.

So the meeting finally happened on Tuesday. When I entered the meeting room with my lead and 2 other seniors, the manager was already fuming thick whitish grey smoke through all his orifices. Despite realising that I was in for a severe blasting, I was unable to stay wide awake, so I immediately went and occupied the only chair in the room. After staring at me with disbelief for about a minute he enquired my lead about the other two "fellows". I assured him they would be in office in 5 minutes with a deep devilish smile.

First he gave a lecture about what he expects from the team. Second he turned to me and lectured about punctuality and how he expects me to come early and leave early or something like that. I had already decided I would not contest the argument and thus nodded at everything he said without a hint of rebellion.

I have been known to lash out at managers and also have an image of a guy who has problem with authority. So clearly taken aback with my calm response, he moved on to talk about the other 'fellows'. It had been 45 minutes and very close to 1PM and they were still not in office. Next 15 minutes were spent questioning their integrity, their commitment towards work blah blah blah..most of which did not register in my mind since I was busy thinking about the good time I had with some my friends last Sunday night at a uhh..coffee shop and how I loved listening to the good songs from Metallica and Cranberries(Which is worth a mention because of the co-incidence that follows). When I finally tuned into the discussion this is what I heard:


Manager(to lead): I ask you again, we can't you hold these guys responsible...what's in your head? What's in your head?

Long silence.

Iceman(very softly..with a tune): Zombie? Zombie? Zombie? Hey hey hey...du du du...

*An Irish blonde lady walks all over imagination holding a guitar*

Now 4 people just turn their heads towards me slowly. Apparently, it wasn't that soft.
Longer silence.


Iceman (Smiling) : What?
*Pause*
Whaaaat??


Manager (to lead in Total Tamil accent): Seriously, what's this guys problem daaaaa? I just don't understand him at all wonly daa.

*Another pause*


Manager (On the verge of a nervous breakdown) : I need a break. Lets end this meeting. We will meet tomorrow.

Its been 6 days. I still can't believe I did that.


The "daily" meeting never happened again.

Friday, 12 August 2011

If a Goldfish flew by Haggrid's hut

"I hate paparazzi..especially the ones with poor cameras."

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Frand-sip day

Frandsip, frendsip, frensip. Seriously...how can so many get it wrong? One in every two "deep and meaningful but true lines" forwards are messages about friendship.

Presenting: The day people get really really touchy feely. (Blech!)


Anyway, the diabolical genius that I am, my brain has devised a way to take advantage of the day..

I am going in search of all girls with hot pictures on their profiles on-line and then send them all a request saying

"Hey wil u mak frandsip wit me?" with infinite number of question marks, period and exclamatory marks because girls sooo dig that (Either that or your keyboard-challenged).

Can you imagine what I would have to send if there was a 'love' day? ;)
"Hey wil u mak..." Oh you get the joke.

Given the attachment that people seem to have over "friendship's day", they can't refuse the request.



*Evil Evil laugh*
Muhahahahahahahaha!





Too much work at office. Its getting to me. Sigh!

Saturday, 30 July 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #4 - Crickit Bits


The fourth instalment of The Daily Hypocrite is here with news from the cricketing world and this time with back-links to the original articles so that people who haven't been following some of the news mentioned here, will have an idea about what is actually being spoken.



Harbhajan Singh down with Diarrhoea in West IndiesHarbhajan Singh fractured his pinky finger while he tripped and fell down due to a sudden attack of Explosive Diarrhoea during a practise session. Meanwhile, crickets, board official, ex-cricketers and journalists all over the world have blamed the incident on BCCI refusing to allow UDRS during the series.
"If only BCCI had decided to go with the UDRS, Harbhajan wouldn't have suffered from explosive Diarrhoea" wrote one journalist.
We wonder how many more players have to suffer from how many types of loose motion sicknesses before the BCCI will learn its lesson?


Indian players cheated
Every single cricketer on the Indian World cup winning squad, except Sachin himself, had claimed way before the world cup that they want to win the world cup only for Sachin and Sachin only and not the cup itself.

However, its been a little over three months since the squad won the world cup and they players are protesting that the BCCI are yet to hand over Sachin to them as the reward to take home with. Poor souls. We wonder who gets to keep him though.


Darryl Harper quits International Cricket
News broke out like wildfire recently that Darryl Harper had quit international cricket recently by stepping down from what should have been his last international match, the farewell match. Now, the name does ring a bell, I seem to have heard it somewhere, but I have no idea who the guy is, or which team he played for. I hope he got a fifty at least in his last innings.

Wait, is he Charlie Harper's brother from another mother?


Martin Crowe retires, again. This time *forcefully*
Martin Crowe, cousin to Russel Crowe, surprised a lot of people by announcing that he is going to return to first-class cricket at his ripe old age. But before he could grind his dentures and put up that nitty gritty look to face his first ball, with a not so steady pair of hands, he was not even allowed to step onto the field.

The reason: Abdomen gaurds are compulsory in this neck of the woods where he was to open for and he just couldn't wear it over the adult diaper. Ohhh CRAP!



Dhoni defends decision over not playing Ishanth.
Captain 'Midas' Touch of the Indian (I don't want to shake hands with the person who gave him that name) surprised a lot of people by not bowling Ishanth when England were taking the game away from India and evetually the 2000th test. He said "I was saving his energy so that he could come out and score a triple century while chasing. We had a huge total to follow. But rain spoilt all my plans."
Uhhh...?? We wanted to know how the rain spoilt his plans when it didn't rain after the first innings, but we clearly didn't want to match wit-to-wit with Captain As-Luck-Would-Have-it.





The new support staff
BCCI or as some people like to call it The "Board of Overkill it and then kill it some more" have named their new support staff for the Indian team.

Coach
Team manager
Opening batsmen coach
Middle order coach
Tail-ender coach
Pace bowling coach
Spin bowling coach
Part-time bowling coach
Fielding coach
Slips coach
Keeping coach
Extra cover coach
Deep mid-wicket coach
Third man cum Fine leg coach (for Munaf) (One coach multi-tasking as a result of cost-cutting)
Water boy coach

PsychoTheRapist
Physio

BCCI said that they hoped that the 16 man support staff will be sufficient to groom 11 players to take the field for the upcoming series.

Boy, we don't know, if you ask me I think we will be missing the run-out coach in the England tour!



Broad loses 50% of his pay-check
Stuart Broad was fined on July 3rd for showing Dissent at the match umpire Billy Bowden. Now we don't know what exactly happened out there, but it might have been something like this.


Stuart Broad: Howwzat?
Billy Bowden: No Ball!
Stuart Broad: That's not what your mom said last night.
Billy Bowden: Oh Fine! 
Stuart Broad: That's what SHE said!



--
Sarcasmacus




Previous posts as "The daily Hypocrite":
June - Celebrity news
May - The single Bangalore girl
April - Metrocity

Sunday, 17 July 2011

No dumbass it ain't really sexual discrimination

Remember this pic that ran around on line sometime back?




I think people are grossly mistaken. The phenomenon of uneven reactions between girls and boys is not really sexual discrimination, but actually the way God has actually made us.Though both are constantly under a rose-painted illusion, they are very different illusions.

Let me demonstrate with the example of three attention whores (and I mean that in the most unoffensive way) - Guy, Girl 1 and Girl 2. [And if you are expecting me to narrate a love triangle, you are watching way too many hindi movies.]


Scene 1

Girl 1: Ooh la la...I'm femme fatale. I GOTTA upload this photo.

*Uploads photo*

Girl 2: OMG! She looks like a whore. What has she added like 200 kilos? But let me ego massage her, I need her to like MY pic later.

*Like*

*Girl 2 comments - Super like darling! Looking gorgeous. Luv you loads...muah muah :* :* *
*Girl 1 comments- Love you too sweet heart. Miss you hun. muah muah :* :* *

Guy (stalking in the sidelines): Huh! Fuckin lesbos!!



Horny guy (raps): Oh new picture by my crush #23. If I like her pic, she might totally fall for me.

*like*


*Horny guy comments - Hey, beautiful pic :) ♥  *
*Girl 1: Hey! Thank you sooo much*


Horny guy: Oh I'm good at this. I've got her hook, line and sinker!


Within 10 minutes 14 Girl 2 replicas and 17 Horny guy replicas have liked Girl 1's new pic.


Girl 1: I am THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL EVER!!!!!!!





10 minutes later, Girl 1 likes Girl 2's newly uploaded pic and process starts from the beginning.




--

 Scene 2

Guy: I look so sexy in this photo. Let me upload it.


*Uploads photo*

Girl 2: Hmmm, that's an okay looking photo. But I don't think I should like it, he will think I am too easy.


Girl 1: Hey that's a nice photo, let me like it.

*like*

Guy: SHE LOVES ME!!!!

Five years later, guy has ruined his life in pursuit of Girl 1 and has now taken up drinking cheap local rum bought from stolen money.



--

Gyan:

So you see guys, we think with our dicks. One of the reasons why the ugliest girls in my account gets 20 likes minimum on her profile pic while the most handsome guys get a maximum of 5. Next time you see that happening, don't cry out that it's discrimination. Its all for your own good. Its saving you from turning into a drunk!

That reminds me, I have to change my picture! Kav is in the frame and she is attracting way too many guys and I don't swing both ways.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Count to ten..then start over

I am gonna make a rule..                                                                                                                                                          



Rule: Don't send messages, mails, comments, replies or write a blog when I am pissed.

I also followed the rule today. *Pats self on back*

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Test fail!


Absolutely shocked by the decision to draw the third test by India in the Caribbean. The number one test team in the world. They had to prove a point to their detractors that they deserved the place. They had to prove a point to England before their upcoming tour to the country, after all it was the English team that said they are the real number one.

Shameful. Very shameful. From a side which had 7 wickets in hand that included some WC winning players. Seems like test cricket is back to the dark ages of the drawn matches.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #3 - Celebrity News

Ok so The Daily Hypocrite is back with our monthly. This time with some spice from the celebrity world.
                                                                           
                                                                      
                                                                  


Aarakshan production scrapped
There have been reports that the production of  Amitabh Bachchan's Aarakshan had been scrapped but actually the protagonist role is split and altered to two roles for the ramped up version.

The new version will have two female lead roles played by Mallika Sherawat and Jacqueline Fernandez (Because it's hard to find Indian women these days who are ready to play the anything-for-a-big-pay-check kinda roles) and so Aarakshan has now been renamed as "Erection".

I don't mean to boast, but come on, we all knew that sooner or later this change was gonna come up? Badoing!





Shah Rukh Sneezed
Now this may look like an article that was paid to be published by SRK himself but I swear on my left nut

(while sitting in my brand new Ferrari) that this not true and we at The Daily Hypocrite thought it was important enough to ruin your fine morning.

However, coming back to the news doing rounds, SRK sneezed while sitting on his commode today morning, it helped him finish up in just 2.5 seconds. A record in Bollywood. This proves hands down that he is the number one Khan in the industry and especially miles ahead of Salmaan Khan who is a wuss.

 Ra.One Rocks!! Death to all Salmaan fans.








Say no to 'Bollywood'
The angry young man of Hindi Cinema (by angry we mean old and by young we mean sick) Mr.Bachchan reckons that the Hindi film industry should not be referred to as 'Bollywood' since it was a mock name given to the industry after the then much established Hollywood.

So in other words he is saying that the industry is so old...it's losing wood! No pun intended.








Aamir gets busy
Aamir Khan is said to have gotten very busy these days. He spends a lot of time in a tiny dark room at his home. Kiran says he goes in there in the morning after breakfast and comes out only for dinner. We tried to catch up with him, but we got no response. After a lot of persistence, we got his publicist on the phone who said "He is busy cooking up a way to create a massive controversy for the eve of his release of Zakhmi which is due in 2012"

Finally it all made sense. I wonder why we didn't think of that.

"So far he has zeroed in on insulting some of the public figures or naming his pet donkey (from Dobhi Ghaat) after Akshay Kumar or Mr Silent Singh. Suggestions are welcome. Anybody whose suggestion is chosen gets to watch the screening of Zakhmi for free with his donkey."

That man Aamir is such a method actor. We love him. *sniff*








Arnie appears on Jerry Springer

Ahh so this is how it all happened. This secret episode airs next week, but this is how he broke the news.

*Jerry* *Jerry* *Jerry*
Jerry: Hello everyone welcome to today's show. Today we have here with us the Ex Guv of Calif, Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Crowd goes wild.


Arnie: Hi Jerry! Good to be here.


Jerry: Good to know that, so why are you here Arnie? What's going on?


*Crowd goes wild for no reason* ... *Then they suddenly become quiet when they realise Jerry hasn't cracked a joke yet*


Arnie: I've been cheating on my wife Maria, Jerry and I think I should come out to her.


Jerry (With a pretty good imitation): Come on do it.


* Out comes Maria *


Maria: What do you mean you are cheating on me?

Arnie: I have also fathered a son with her.


Maria: After all I did for you.


Arnie: Oh come on, I work hard all day, you just lie there! And these people are never gonna let me run for president anyway.


Maria: You never take care of the kids.


Arnie: The sex is not good.


Maria: How could you do this to our children?


Arnie: Give me another chance?


*Jerry interrupts *


Jerry: Whoa, not so fast, we won't have enough content for the show. So who did you cheat with?


Arnie: Oh this Mexican Hippo who used to clean my place.


Jerry: Whats her name?


Arnie: Lets just call her Baby Mama.


Jerry: Ok, lets meet Baby Mama, here she is.


* Crowd goes wild again*


Big Biiiiig woman walks in -Maria attacks Baby Mama - lots of hair pulling - dress pulling - wardrobe malfunctions - Arnie standing in the corner smoking a cigar - And Jerry intervenes...


Jerry: So, Baby Mama, you used to clean his place correct?

Baby Mama: Oh I cleaned more than that.


*Crowd goes wild*


Jerry: Fine, so do you love Arnie?


Baby Mama: Of course I do.


Arnie: But I don't love you. I love Maria.


Maria: But I don't love you.


Jerry: So you love him, and you love her, and she is pissed as hell? Your marriage has just been Terminated, you all go home alone. We will be right back ladies and Gentlemen.

-

Arnie Trivia for the readers..

Q) If Arnie was screwing around with a  black chick and fathered a son with her...?
A) ...the son would be called SchwarzeNIGGA!



--
Sarasmacus

Sunday, 26 June 2011

When is the party happening?

Savings...                                                                                                               
                                                                                                

The most logical of decisions when you want to buy something so badly but can't make up your mind whether you want it or need it. Should you go splashing your hard earned money? Is life really worth it only when spent living for someone else?

Will there ever be one of those days when you don't have to compromise? Where you can take a little wild step to the left and another wilder step to the right and get off course on purpose?

Life can be such a bitch sometimes. Along with the big, really important things, it makes you wait for a long time for the simple things that you wanted all the while. Then it gives it to you for a while or makes you think you have it and then suddenly takes it all away. Its like having a really really good dream, but to be woken up by a room-mate to find out you are back in the real world in the middle of the rat race all over again.

Who is it 'saving' anyway?

It is the one reason why we always compromise most of our desires, in hope of a better, stable tomorrow and unfortunately, tomorrow never dies and it never comes.