Friday, 29 April 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity

Introducing the all new The Daily Hypocrite, your soon-to-be favourite newsletter on EVERYTHING, carrying in-depth articles by our energetic and enthusiastic journalist - Sarcasmacus. We "await" your "feedback" with "fingers crossed", like a 3 year old waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, but before you rush to pick up the pen, postcard and stamp, here is the first news piece.                                   
                                                                                                          
New four lane highway - Get to work early

Bengaluru: The new four lane highway from Bommanahalli Circle to Outer ring road which was under construction for the last three and a half  years by Ashok Cunning's NIICE! has now been completed and now open to public for commuting. Initially there was a lot of scepticism as to why there was a need for another road between the two points as they were already connected by a 6-lane highway, shouldered by a two lane service road, shadowed by the flyover, but Mr.Cunning pointed out that the new 1 and a half kilometer shortcut-highway will save a full 7 seconds of commuting time between Bommanahalli circle and Outer Ring road. Bengalureans were satisfied with this reasoning.

Earlier the project ran into rough waters when Mr.Gowda had started the 'Construction nillisi' (Halt construction) andolan. After waiting in vain for an eye-opening life changing speech, the press finally asked for the reason for the protests. He replied by saying 'What am I protesting?' . They say age is a very harsh mistress of the mind. Very true indeed. When the storm in the tea cup died down, NIICE! had to contend with numerous court cases.

Pammy Paanwala had filed a case citing reasons that his paan shop would be demolished and that he would be broke and the govt would have to pay a compensation running into crores to make up for the loss. After convincing him that his paan shop was only a wooden dabba that can be moved one and half kilometers to the east, the court ordered that the construction be resumed. Pammy paanwala was just one of the many cases the court had spit out of the court and onto the clean side-walks, just like his many customers.

In the melee, The Mannina Maga (Son of the soil) - Mr.Gowda returned to the limelight saying he now remembered the reason for his protests and had brought with him 7000 villagers from his home town, claiming that the highway was being built on the farmers lands that was forcefully taken away from them. When we caught up with one of the farmers who had shown up in support of the protest as to how many acres of land he had lost, all he had to say was this:
"Food?.....Where is all the food?....Are we going to get our food now or after all the shouting and pillaging?"
Anyway, the court had to convince the farmers again that there was no agricultural land in the heart of Bengaluru and that there had been some sort of a mistake.

Now that the highway has finally been completed, Bengalureans are breathing a sigh of relief that they can save 7 seconds for 5 days a week. The newspapers, including ours, are happy that they had material to write about. Mr.Gowda got his yearly fix of the limelight, he is sure to win the next elections. And Mr.Cunning is just happy that he had such a lovely gift to give to the society. All in all everybody is happy with this win-win situation.

The 1500 meter project is said to have cost 78 crores, furnishing included and about half the cost has been borne by the Govt. funding. The auditing for this funding was done by a new auditing company started by none other than, Mr.Clean AKA Suresh Kalmadi.

The other half of of the 78 crores will be raised by tolling the road for the next 20 years. The tolling rates are yet to be announced and are expected sometime next week until when the drive through will be free of cost.

As for the traffic conditions of the rest of Bengaluru, well, you are all still f*cked.
--
By Sarcasmacus
(AKA Sarcasmacuss)

4 comments:

Rohit Roy said...

fuckin awesome mate

Iceman said...

At Rohit Roy,

You were fuckin awesome in Udaan. :D

Ok, Im kidding, thanks for the comment.

anusha said...

Sarcasmacus deserves a separate blog of his own.

Iceman said...

One blog for each of my multiple personalities coming up! :P