Monday, 20 February 2012

5 Things I learnt from the IT industry

Its been two years since I started working in the IT industry. I can't really say that I became a better engineer and not feel guilty about saying it, but I can say that there are a few nitty-gritty details I picked up during this long walk on a stony path with naked feet.

Here, I list a select five of them, so that you can be better armed and armoured for your life in the IT world in case you didn't know these already. There are a few more things I learnt, but more than 5 facts would make it a really long post.

Hope you like it! Here goes -

#1 There are no humans, there are resources

It took me a while to get my head around this word 'resource'. Two managers/team leads in discussion often sound like T-1000s from 2100, who have come back in time to rule over earth and are now playing 'Captain Davy Jones' with us.

"I will give you my resource for one day, but you should give me two of your resources next week"

"Why ask for two? Take four. My resources are your resources. Use them."

Its really really bad to hear this especially when I am one of the resources they are talking about it - And they are gonna 'USE ME'

#2 No issues

This is the first in the standard book of IT replies. "No issues". Its so common, that you won't even realise when someone has actually uttered this phrase. In fact, if you are an IT person, who finds this irritating and try to voice your concern about the irritatingly excessive use of it, I assure you, your colleagues will have 'No issues' with it.

I have often noticed, that if you tell your manager a huge story about how your work is going, they just can't wait for you to get to the end of your story so that they can simply dismiss you by saying

"Oh is it? No issues."

Chances are, they haven't paid attention to you at all. The secret lies in the tone of your voice. If it seems like you are giving them a status report of your task, there is a good chance of your manager replying with "No issues"

However, if the tone of your voice suggests that you are making an excuse to not complete the task, he will pay more attention.

Just try this. Go to your manager and start speaking in the status report tone, which often sounds like you are hurrying through it, with an overwhelmingly positive attitude, with a sense of accomplishment, twinkling eyes, ear to ear smile as you move towards the end the speech with the tone in which you seem to seeking his blessing and say

"...and so, going by the statistics, tonight I want to bang your wife like a barbarian after a 7 year isolation"

I swear, there is a probability= 0.99 that your manager says

"Oh is it? No issues!"

#3 "The question"

Every IT guy dreads the day, he is asked...The question

This is the question that has no correct answer. The question is...

"Are you busy?"

There are only two ways to answer this question:
                    - Yes or No. Wait, you can stay silent and get fired. Anyway, I made a flowchart to better explain the outcomes for this question.

I have heard people talking:

Girl: Hey! Sup? Why the long face?

Boy: The manager...he...asked me....The Questionnnn!!!

*Everybody who over heard this gasps loudly*

Boy: Yeah..

Girl: Oh no..not...THE QUESTION??

Boy: :(

Girl: Look at the bright side..

Boy: What bright side!!!

Girl: You have one less day to live.

Boy (Now smiling): Oh yeah :)

#4 Convex mirror age decoder

This is a very important warning going out to all you guys who either in or about to be in the IT industry. Avoid entering discussions about the age of the person you are talking to. No matter how many people you have seen in your day, you will get an IT persons age wrong.

"A Techie's face is younger than it seems"

 I have prepared a formula for deducting a persons age, which also requires an experienced hand to use it.

Suppose, x is the age of the person;

If, x seems to be aprox 40 or above, take your best guess, say Y and deduct it by 12 years.

If, x seems to be approx 55 or above, take your best guess, Y and deduct it by 23 years.

I hadn't derived this formula yet when the below discussion happened with a senior colleague over a cuppa.

Angry Young Man (AYM): So you are a fresher is it? How many years experience do you have?

Iceman: Just 3 months. Im coming straight off training in fact, so even that can't be counted. What about you?

AYM: What do you think?

Iceman: I don't know you should tell me.

AYM: How old do I look?

Iceman (Oh noo!! Not the age!): Come on. I don't want to talk about our age.

AYM: Oh relax. Im a cool guy. Im your friend. Im curious to know your answer, tell me.

Now I wondered: Okay, so he looks at least 55. But he might have aged more because of work pressure and stuff, so he should be actually 45, but let me say 40 to be on the safer side and make him happy.

Iceman(Confidently): You look only 40. Are you 40?

AYM: What??? I look 40????

Iceman: Ummmm....Older?

AYM: I'm 32. Are you done with your coffee? Lets go back to our desk.

A 35 yr old specimen of IT professional

#5 Murderous rage

Ok. If there is one thing I never understood, was the hype that surrounded Kolaveri Di. But the thing that actually generated some murderous rage in my usually so 'Don't give a rat's ass' composure was when EVERY SINGLE GUY who had a kid decided to record his son or daughter singing the damned song.

Everyone in the team were made to watch the video, which they did, smiling ear to ear, say "Your kid is sooooo cuteee!!!" , then give the phone back to them and whisper to us while walking back to his desk "Don't watch it, that kid is fuckin retarded."

The trouble was every time one of these over-obsessed dad's brought one of these recordings to work, they played the song over and over and over again all day and though I always politely refused to watch the video, I had to go through the audio.

Heard they now have an assembly at Infosys campus at 9 AM everyday where all of the work force stand in out in attention as Kolaveri Di is played out on speakers. Can anyone confirm that please?

Apparently this song is now the official Anthem of all the men in the IT Industry because they have all been dated and then coldly dumped by some chick-u. I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a sea of Devdases and Chandramukhis. Does anyone have a gun?


Gauri Gharpure said...

The age question is universal. Stay away from that, IT or not

Iceman said...

Rrrrroger that!

Pooja said...

Correction. It’s not 9 AM. It’s 8:30 AM Sharp!, When the infy Junta breaks into a zombie dance akin to the un-cool version of MJ’s thriller. And don’t even get me started on the vampires! The only thing that resembles them to Edward Cullen is their Bald Pate!. Did somebody say a Gun?