Sunday, 18 March 2012

People!

Have you watched that movie? "The Truman Show" ? Jimmy Carrey. The first time I watched it and also The Matrix, it had this uncanny resemblance to this little piece of imagination I used to have that nothing around me was real. Which is why I kind of digested both movies on the first go.

As a kid, I don't remember why I felt like that, but that feeling is back and this time I know exactly why. People! Weird weird people that I have had to put up with recently. Its like the external universal force has hand picked a bunch of exotic dumb asses just to pick my nerve.

If its the external force, why would it be? Is it some sort of freak show enjoyed in heaven? Is there a binge party going on up there? Or is there a more noble cause? Like an anger management class?




All my life, all I had to do to have my first coffee of the day was - Get up and brush!

Now that I moved to work, I have to get up, bathe, get ready, go to work, take bullshit from a lot of people in between, reply , steal some time to go to the cafe and just to make sure I don't ruin the already dying appetite I hold myself off till I'm done with my breakfast before I dive head first into a big big tumbler full of coffee.

In between all this, there are these people that keep showing up with a BIG smile on their face with a question or statement that is sure to whipe off the one on mine.

"Hey why are you so thin man? Eat!"
"Who are you kidding? You are skinnier and lighter than me."
"Yeah, but you are tall."
"Exactly, I'm good for my height."
"Lets have a vote?"
"Oh no, not the vote."


"Hey, did you have your breakfast?"
"I'm standing with you on the breakfast counter! You just asked me what I ordered."
"Ummm..so you didn't have yet?"



"What? You ride to Mysore EVERY WEEK on the bike?? Why??"
"You asked me same question, last Friday. and I answered by saying 'You asked me same question last week and I answered in detail remember?' and since you didn't I had to explain again, remember? "
"But why? Why do you ride?"



I go through repetitive conversations like that, every single morning. But I'm kinda impressed at myself as not once have I felt like getting myself a Smith & Wesson to take down these Jabronis. Okay, I confess. I felt like that once when I was just about to take my much, much delayed first sip off that big tumblr of coffee after like a twelve hour drought when this guy slapped my on my back all of a sudden and shouted
"Oh My God! What is this man?"


I swear I wanted to shoot Janice straight to the moon.


So if its an anger management class, here is proof that its worked, now let me go?


--

People, I tell you, the more I see them, the more I love my dog.


There are more people like this.


The landlord:
This guys is so fuckin weird that I call him Feirdo. He shows up on the first date of every month and that's not the weird part. He shows up and hides behind a pillar in our parking lot. And it ain't really hiding. A 5 year old would catch him. The first time I saw him I walked up to him and asked what he was doing there. He just stood there, wide eyed, like in a trance, not even acknowledging my presence. Then I just called out my rommate from the parking lot since he had all our rent money and immediately this guy broke out of his "Trance" and said

"Oh no no. He gave me the rent."
"Ok come inside."

Before you know it, he is back behind the pillar in trance mode. Reminded me of these pythons that go into a trance while laying eggs.


The neighbours and their retarded kid:
Now I dunno if this kid is more retarded or his parents. He honks the car horn endlessly runs amok on my terrace banging a stone on the roof or throws stuff at my dog or comes running into that house to bang on the fish tank - now most of this I can understand in a 1 year old but not in a two year old, and his parents just stand and watch, with their mouth so open that I can park my bike in it.

The kid once went running amok and the parents having absolutely no regard for his safety had no idea that he had fallen into a water tank just a few feet away. Thankfully the kid was saved by some alert passer by.

Did they become more careful about their kid? No. They just picked up a fight with the construction workers next day for not watching their kids fall into the tank.

On another occassion, the kid had just wandered away 4 kilometers close to a relatives house. His parents realised he was missing 6 hours later.


People crossing the road:
Oh I have a special place for some people on my list of people to kill- when I go on my spree, they are underlined in red ink. These are the people who cross the road.

Why? Why people do you wait for my signal to turn green before you jump onto the road?

Why? Why do you want to cross the road when I'm speeding at 80? Will it kill you to wait 2 seconds till I pass?


Why? Why do you have this dumbass notion that if you don't turn around and look at me coming at you, it means that I don't really exist. That I wont toast your ass with one mistake.



Arrogant higher ups:
These are the guys who find out that hard way that I cannot be their pet bitch.

Hard way: Let us just say they push me and I drop kick them.

Sorry that's how it always goes, but sadly, my appraisal is always in their hands, so it always comes back to bite me. And also the fact that everybody else comes upto you and tells you:-
1) How you made a mistake
2) How you should lie down and let them all walk all over you
3) How we are not allowed any self respect
4) How I should probably chop of my ass and hand it to the "High and mighty" on a silver platter.

Right. I'm sorry world, I rather be wrong and strong than be meek and faceless (in some case also baseless).

I hear people saying things like "Oh I'm so friendly with my manager" and stuff like that and all of a sudden when they hear about one of the incidents that happened to me, they go "It happened to me toooo!!". Come on people...either your job/manager sucks or they don't. Make up your mind.



Sabotage specialists:

The there are people who want to mess with my bike. It started with a small tear on the leather seat. This was done in the parking lot of my company.

Then all of a sudden one night, it was a big tear. This was when it was parked at my house in Blore.

Everyday when it was parked at my house at night, someone would come and twist the rear view mirrors. Some idea of a hilarious joke I guess. I was pretty harmless, so I let it pass.

One fine morning I saw that they had broken one of my indicators.

Now, I just moved in here. Have no grudge with anyone in the building, heck I don't even know anyone. Plus, I park my bike in this tough-to-park place so that it makes more space for other vehicles, yet the bike is picked out for constant sabotage.

There was this one night where I was awake till 4AM. My roommate woke up at 5 AM. In this window of 1 hour, someone had broken another indicator on the bike.


I have decided to buy a baseball bat.

--


There are a lot more cases and currently too much on my mind to really recall and write more.

Currently for some reason my back is completely broken. Or it seems to be a relapsed ache from a couple of weeks ago. So I'm sitting on my chair since morning refusing to budge, while my dad sits in a hall densely filled with cigarette smoke, not running out of evidences to prove that I am a bad son. So to avoid both my dad and the smoke, I'm following the cricket scores on line. So it looks like even my dad is in on this whole plot - not just 'people'


Tell me all this doesn't suck and I might try to vaporise you with my super-secret laser vision.


--

Everybody calls me a "People person". Screw that, from today onwards, I'm hanging a board around my neck that says "I hate people." and grow really long nails.

6 comments:

vikas mk said...

People should be made to pass exams , acquire a license, before they start spawning. This is in regards to the Retardo-kid.

Iceman said...

LOFL!!!

"Retardo-kid"!!

Now I know what to call him, should I find the need to refer to him on my blog again.

Naina said...

Good one!! Irritating people.

Naina said...

Good one! Irritating people!

anusha said...

Landlord hiding behind pillar eh ? Maybe he wants to play "I spy" !
Oh, and does anyone in India buy baseball bats to *play* baseball ? :P

Iceman said...

@9 Yo

@Anush
He is playing "I deranged"

And about that baseball thing, I have an uncle who used to actually play. That's how he met his wife :D