Saturday, 25 December 2010

The perfect girl

Once a man was offered the hands of three beautiful women in marriage.                                               

The first was daughter of a king and was heir to all the riches a man can dream of.

The second was the kindest woman known around.

While the third was the most beautiful.

Who did the man choose?

He choose the one with the biggest boobs.

This was a joke I read long ago (Sorry if you are under 12 and reading this, though thats a slim chance). Though funny and fitting for the male stereotype, I was pretty dissappointed with the ending, since I know that even the biggest jerk will have a better reason for a choice and I wanted to know which of the 3 is the right one to go for.

I have promised to define my own 'perfect' girl at least 3 times, the first being 2 years ago on Orkut. Here is the moment, not even those 3 people are waiting for.

Before we proceed, you should know, I am a guy who doesn't know what he wants. Ask me what I want for my birthday and I probably can't come up with an answer. And there is pretty much nothing You, I or Bill Gates can buy that will make me go wild. This is the inspiration behind the post. Expect the description to evolve over time. Especially since I keep getting the feeling I'm missing something right now, as it is.

At the shallow end of the pool:
Anything above 5'4" (and of course less than, say, 5'11")- Cause I guess, its safe to call myself tall.
Long straight hair - Auuuoooooooooo!! Hoot Hoot! *Insanely stomping on the ground*
Jet black bright eyes - To inspire the poems I write in the future...
Athletic - Enough to accompany me on morning jogs (Which I have planned to restart every morning since Jan 09) :P Not that I would ask her to come with me.

Deep end of the pool:
*Genuine - There are a lot of features that will follow in this description that most people fake for the watching eye. And I can almost always tell when its being faked. God! That will drive me sane!

*Cheerful - Some people hold back when they wanna laugh out loud because they don't wanna be considered immature. Some Laugh out loud on purpose to attract attention, or to let others know that they are enjoying. Either ways would be a pain in the *achoo*. Excuse me. But there is one category, that doesn't hold back a laugh or a taunt or a tease when it has come out involuntarily. Find me a girl from this category.

*Talkative Good at converstaion - Doesn't everyone consider themself talkative? Bitching, Gossiping, crying and making weird noises doesn't really count as talkative. Or to rephrase the feature I would say I want someone good at a conversation. And trust me, Im a good listener. (Though this is not about me).

*Educated (duh!)-Are there any good looking single girls out there who also studied in CBSE? :D

*Loves animals - Girls who go 'chii' everytime they see a stray dog or a cat should be reincarnated as one.

*Kind/compassionate - Shall not talk much about this.

*Nature - You know what really irks me? Complaining that there are too many trees around. That they should be cut to make their lives better, their roads wider and their homes sunnier. I could never be with a girl like that.

*One who is not always saying "Listen! Listen!" - Because they are always bad listeners themselves and thats usually because they are very self centered. There can only be one self centered maniac in a relationship ;)

*Not superstitous - Not a fanatic of religious institutions. A girl who doesn't believe that if she doesn't send that chain mail or SMS forward her favourite God will fail to bless her or bad luck will haunt her for 9 years or a spirit will come and make noisy love to her grandma. I believe in the big guy up there, but Im not stupid.

*Not Opinionated - When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape!

*A little possessive ;) - This is something most people don't like right? I have had some trouble before with a possessive girl who I nearly ended up dating. That saga ended really bad, exactly because she was possessive, but over the top. However, I guess if the person is a little possessive, little, I would take it as a sign of adoration, not insecurity.

*Thank you God for Coffee, Cricket & Chocolates - I don't know how many times I have said that here by now. Anyway, a girl who doesn't like chocolates(Impossible is nothing) - Because I don't wanna share. And a girl who doesn't watch any 'saas bahus', since I would like to watch cricket when its on.

*Movies - Lets me watch movies in peace, without talking to me or trying to cuddle up or whatever. I hate it when people talk when Im watching a movie.

*Intelligence (Most important) - Intelligent chicks are such a total turn on! (Even if I was, say, 3 on a scale of 1-10)
I often come across situations while chatting when people give a puzzled look because they are having trouble keeping up and then there are few people I know who are right up there with you when having a complicated discussion. Unfortunately some are men and the girls are taken. My luck(Or my arrogance which you guys were waiting to point out :P).

*Doesn't complain when I am neck deep in introspection -Other wise this is how it usually goes
"What are you thinking about?"
"You are so mysterious, its scary"
"Why don't you share anything with me?"
"Don't you love me anymore?" (Throw in a few sniffs and crocodile tears)
"Is there someone else?"
"Its that girl from your class isn't it? You are always speaking about her"
When everything fails - "Sweety, I trust you, just tell me whenever you are ready ok?"
And finally "Umm..listen..we need to talk..."

Before I can blink, I am speaking to someone on the phone rubbing my forehead and back to thinking that I am gonna die single.

I am a thinker. I think therefore I am. A fellow blogger would know. Maybe I should go after the blogger chicks, but then again, they are all taken too.

These are my...
...requirements. This decription was last edited/updated on 25th December 2010.
Does she exist? Well, I better wait for my miracle or realise a few years down the lane that she ain't happening, so that I can come back and trim this post.

As of today, my life is complicated enough. Even though some of the evenings do get a little too quiet, I rather not rock the boat while sailing in choppy waters. But writing this was fun! So much for not knowing what I want eh?

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day

First of all - Happy World Aids day. All you naughty kids out there - Play safe! :D

I hope you are landing on this post after reading The Office part II - I see dumb people as this is a continuation of that series.

Now coming to the story, Gaddam, is my colleague. I usually don't take names, but I'll make an exception here(With the risk of my blog being traced down by people from the office - because this incident has now become a legend in my office and I am infamously a part of it).

He is the most famous employee in my entire department. He is known for his dangerous english that would make Shakespeare roll over in his grave.
We are sitting in this meeting, some 8-11 of us, my manager is also part of it and we are having a very serious moment when suddenly Gaddam barges in and yells loudly to my manager

"Vamsi fingered me"

An immediate pin drop silence fell over the discussion room and all eyes zoomed in on our local celebrity.

The project manager asked "I didn't hear you properly"

"Vamsi fingered me, I swear I have nothing to do with it" he replied.

Now the room went from confusion to total shock. Everybody are now wondering if they were looking at a sexual harassment suit, should they be happy with the excitement? Should they be embarassed that this happened in our project? How did this even happen?

Well, not me. I was least bothered about what this meant and just wanted to quip.

So I asked "Did you like it?"

The more younger crowd started giggling but the manager and the seniors maintained the horror in their faces. However, my manager did give me a stern 'shut the f up' stare. So I did just that. Professional.Corporate. wtvr!

Gaddam paused a while before replying to me "Why are you asking like that? Even you fingered me that day. You know I don't like it"

The joke was on me. The focus of all the dead serious faces shifted from Gaddams stupid ass face to mine. I felt my nerves swell up and could literally hear my heart beating. The only things going through my head were 'what? who? finger? GADDAM?? His face - full of confidence - truth - but how? when?'

I have never cursed in my office, but what the hell? There is always a first time and that was when I said
"Gaddam...What..the..FUCK are you talking about?"

Manager intervened "Gaddam can we take this up later? I don't think we are all speaking on the same wavelength here and we in a meeting"

I didn't care about the manager anymore "You can't just walk in and yell any home-made nonsense into our face"

Gaddam fought back "What? Atleast you were justified in fingering me that day, I am not blaming you only yaaa, please don't be angry with me, I trust you, but Vamsi should not have fingered me"

Who the hell was Vamsi and why did he finger Gaddam?

"Gaddam, I have absolutely no clue what has happened to you. You are going mad. You need rest." I said.

Project manager was agreeing with me "Yes, I think thats a good idea. Why don't you..."

"No! I am not mad. That guy sits onsite, how the hell can he know what I am going through? He can't finger me like that all of a sudden. There are hundreds of us in this project he can finger whenever he wants" said a more furious Gaddam.

Onsite? Gaddam-Dangerous-English-Onsite guy. Now finally the whole thing flashed into my head.

"Oh my God! Thank God.." I exclaimed and turned to my manager "He is trying to say Vamsi pointed his finger at Gaddam for some screw up. I had taken him to task last week for messing up the svn commit, today Vamsi has probably got him for something else. He has translated word to word from Telugu"

And before the whole thing sunk in to audience the manager said "Ok, Gaddam we got what you are saying, Ill take it up with Vamsi. You need to watch your temper. And team, I think we are done with the meeting, we can take up the rest of the issues on call, hopefully nobody will talk about Gaddam's dramatic scene after this?" and dismissed the meeting. I was cleared of all charges to walk a free man. Somehow, all along, in my mind I knew all this would be nothing at the end of the day, but couldn't help worrying whether this was something actually serious. Its worth mentioning that the managers composure was impressive throughout.

Its been nearly two months and still all those guys and girls from the meeting ask me "Did you finger Gaddam today?"