Friday, 29 April 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity

Introducing the all new The Daily Hypocrite, your soon-to-be favourite newsletter on EVERYTHING, carrying in-depth articles by our energetic and enthusiastic journalist - Sarcasmacus. We "await" your "feedback" with "fingers crossed", like a 3 year old waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, but before you rush to pick up the pen, postcard and stamp, here is the first news piece.                                   
New four lane highway - Get to work early

Bengaluru: The new four lane highway from Bommanahalli Circle to Outer ring road which was under construction for the last three and a half  years by Ashok Cunning's NIICE! has now been completed and now open to public for commuting. Initially there was a lot of scepticism as to why there was a need for another road between the two points as they were already connected by a 6-lane highway, shouldered by a two lane service road, shadowed by the flyover, but Mr.Cunning pointed out that the new 1 and a half kilometer shortcut-highway will save a full 7 seconds of commuting time between Bommanahalli circle and Outer Ring road. Bengalureans were satisfied with this reasoning.

Earlier the project ran into rough waters when Mr.Gowda had started the 'Construction nillisi' (Halt construction) andolan. After waiting in vain for an eye-opening life changing speech, the press finally asked for the reason for the protests. He replied by saying 'What am I protesting?' . They say age is a very harsh mistress of the mind. Very true indeed. When the storm in the tea cup died down, NIICE! had to contend with numerous court cases.

Pammy Paanwala had filed a case citing reasons that his paan shop would be demolished and that he would be broke and the govt would have to pay a compensation running into crores to make up for the loss. After convincing him that his paan shop was only a wooden dabba that can be moved one and half kilometers to the east, the court ordered that the construction be resumed. Pammy paanwala was just one of the many cases the court had spit out of the court and onto the clean side-walks, just like his many customers.

In the melee, The Mannina Maga (Son of the soil) - Mr.Gowda returned to the limelight saying he now remembered the reason for his protests and had brought with him 7000 villagers from his home town, claiming that the highway was being built on the farmers lands that was forcefully taken away from them. When we caught up with one of the farmers who had shown up in support of the protest as to how many acres of land he had lost, all he had to say was this:
"Food?.....Where is all the food?....Are we going to get our food now or after all the shouting and pillaging?"
Anyway, the court had to convince the farmers again that there was no agricultural land in the heart of Bengaluru and that there had been some sort of a mistake.

Now that the highway has finally been completed, Bengalureans are breathing a sigh of relief that they can save 7 seconds for 5 days a week. The newspapers, including ours, are happy that they had material to write about. Mr.Gowda got his yearly fix of the limelight, he is sure to win the next elections. And Mr.Cunning is just happy that he had such a lovely gift to give to the society. All in all everybody is happy with this win-win situation.

The 1500 meter project is said to have cost 78 crores, furnishing included and about half the cost has been borne by the Govt. funding. The auditing for this funding was done by a new auditing company started by none other than, Mr.Clean AKA Suresh Kalmadi.

The other half of of the 78 crores will be raised by tolling the road for the next 20 years. The tolling rates are yet to be announced and are expected sometime next week until when the drive through will be free of cost.

As for the traffic conditions of the rest of Bengaluru, well, you are all still f*cked.
By Sarcasmacus
(AKA Sarcasmacuss)

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Alien carcuss? Are you kiddin me?

Here is the video that went berserk on the net a few days back. You might wanna disable the annotation thingies cause they are annoying.

Let us get once thing clear, I am very interested in this Alien stuff and about search for new worlds out there. It might be easy to slip a hoax past a believer in aliens(which I am not), but is it so difficult to make out that this ain't real?

- The 'carcuss' is very real looking.
- It happened just after a UFO crash.
- Shot very close to the area with UFO sightings.

Those are the only things that add up. What doesn't add up is the fact that it was in a deserted place in Serbia where there were no other witnesses.

Let's assume these guys wanted to be popular, but let us also assume they are telling the truth, that there WAS a real dead alien they found. Also assuming that they were smart, what else would they have done?
They would have shot a careful video of the alien and posted it on Youtube to gain instant fame? Check.

Then, while one guards the body, the other goes back to civilization, alerts the media asking them to witness their discoveries before the officials show up and then alert the authorities so that the discovery goes down as 'official'. Unchecked Unchecked Unchecked.

So long suckers! Better luck next time.

Sunday, 24 April 2011


"Soldier! Take off your helmet and tell me your name..."
My name is Maximus Decimus Sarcasmacus.

Son to- a mom who thinks I should be dating like a spoilt rich teen and a dad who thinks I should be drinking like one,

Befriended by the most forgiving souls in the world, who can put with all my shit even after all these years, and never once say 'I don't even know who you are any more' no matter how many times they discover something new about me.

Master to one naughty dog, who thinks I'm the best human in the world and will love me unquestionably even if I suddenly shout in his ears to startle him when he is deep in sleep, every single day,

Owner of a hard drive that has the most awesomest collection of Music and Movies, enough to last me way beyond retirement even if I watch three good movies a day...

...and I shall continue to have my kick ass life!

Friday, 22 April 2011

Happy Earth day

Now I know you guys want nothing to do with Earth day any more unless there is a perverted joke to go with it, but I'll try to wish you without a perverted joke anyway ;)

Happy Earth day!

See that wasn't so tough? Now go plant a tree...or should I say, at least for today, don't cut a tree?

Image from last blog. What would this place be without a tree?
(Earth day is not just about trees. But it is a lot about it too.)

Anyway, here are three stories to share which is related to the topic. And the third one is very very recent.

1) I don't like what the world has come to when it comes to ecology. I once lived in a house which had the landlords in the same building. Their daughter had scored good marks in science writing about how trees maintain the ecosystem, how they prevent global warming, about how they reduce the carbon foot print...and at the end of the day, she wanted all the trees inside our building cut down because it was too "shady" and "foresty" and ultimately had her way cause her folks agreed. I could understand her mum and dad being dim-witted morons, but at least she was educated with science. Guess we have to change the definition of education.

2) The last house I lived was a bigger nightmare. I had to get into loud mouthed fight with aunties who wanted the trees in my house cut. All because dry leaves would fall into their compound. And somehow it was ok for their plastic waste to fly into ours. Not withstanding the god-forbidden uncultured women, we did have the trees cut, but not until I had cursed their entire bloodline to rot in hell without a drop of water.

3) I was sitting at lunch, the day before yesterday afternoon when I saw these two people sitting at the table opposite me with a board that said 'Celebrate Earth day - Plant a tree.' and the rest of the print was kinda finer so I kept squinting to check what it was. They were a boy and a girl who seemed completely uninterested in attracting a crowd at all. If there was anything they were interested in, it was each other. They looked more like the kind who get into all this social causes and charity shit so that they can add something on their resume or tell their uncles and aunties about how good a job they are doing in their free time, or brag about it on Facebook or some nonsense like that.. They had a few pamphlets to give away and be on their way perhaps. As I kept squinting and reading the board, I could make out that they were asking for 99 bucks to plant a tree somewhere and promised to take care of it for 10 years. Suddenly they both got up and the girl went away towards the lunch counter and the boy came straight towards me. He was about 5 feet high with spikes that were crying out loud "I'm a kool dude...I swear!". I figured that he was coming to ask me if I was interested. And I was, all I had to do was go to the ATM. In fact I was wondering if I should pay for at least 3 trees, when he stopped, bent towards me and whispered in my ear

"If you stare at my girlfriend again, I will beat you up!"

I couldn't help laughing at the comedy of it all. I just giggled at him and said "Ok sir". I wonder if they would have got some sort of credit for getting some trees sponsored. Damn!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm just glad I have planted a few trees when I could. Not necessarily on Earth day. Because its legal to plant one on any day of the year you know, you just got to get your ass out and plant one. However, the last few saplings I planted seems to have withered away and the area I am in now has enough trees wherever they can be planted. But for places where they aren't, need to find a system to make it stick. Anybody got ideas?

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Can I live here someday?

*Sigh :)* Looks like a place straight outta my imagination...

Somebody find me a 50x40 site on the side

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Snow white and The Pimple

Pimples, aren't they annoying? Over centuries and centuries of just showing up, they seem to have perfected their timing - for showing up at the wrong place, at the wrong times. Like one of my ex-girlfriends when I was cheating on her.

The first question most people asked me after I started working was "Do you like anybody there? Anyone interesting?". The truthful answer is no, there is no one interesting here (I'm not going off-topic, please bare bear with me here). But...and there is always a big 'but' large enough to make Sir.Mix-A-lot have a fatal heart attack, there is this one cute chick, who unfortunately happens to be a couple of years senior.

Its unfortunate because we have built a pretty good rapport and I'm pretty sure that its illegal in some countries to be as cute as that. Every time she talks, I hear Chariots of fire in the background and she starts moving in slow motion.

This happened a few weeks ago when I'm sitting at someone's cubicle, thinking about how disastrous my life has become, you know with all the slavery and all when I see her rushing towards me from some hundred feet away, frantically waving her hands at me, with a million watt smile, her snow white face glowing like a Deepavali flower-pot. I looked around to see who she could be waving at with so much enthusiasm. This didn't look like a friend-to-friend smile-cum-wave at all. This was the face of a woman in love. Trust me peepal, I know one when I see one. There was nobody around and by the method of elimination, she was comin-cha-get- *drum rolls*- ME!! Yoo-hoo!

All of sudden, my life wasn't disastrous any more. Everything went from black & white to kick-ass High def. Chariots of fire started playing again. I saw her running towards me in super-slo-mo, slowly leaping through the air, her long black tress jumping around her shoulders. My pupils dilated and there were tsunamis in my heart as I shouted to myself in my mind "There IS a GOD!!".

She was only 10 feet away from me when suddenly she noticed this giant pimple on my nose, Rrrrrrrright between the eyes. The DJ playing the background track jerked his disc, making that big 'screeeech' sound and she herself let out a wild, sharp shriek in horror and skid on her high heels because she didn't like the direction she was heading to. She probably slipped and fell backwards immediately but I didn't notice it since the melon-sized pimple was blocking my vision.

The next thing I remember, she is gasping for breath with her hand on her chest, eyes so wide open that they reminded me of a slender loris. I asked her what happened, so she tried to regain composure and tried really hard to smile at me but the horror remained on her face when she said "Nothing".

"You were about to tell me something?"

" why would I do that?....Ok bye!"

And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the thing started to constantly hurt like hell and on top of that I had to hear these lines for the rest of the week -

Person1 - "What's that?" (With fingers pointing at my nose)
Iceman - "Christmas decoration! You like it?"

Person2 - "Hey Icema...OH DEAR LORD!!"
Iceman - "Why don't you sit down and have a glass of water? I'll come back later"

Person3 - "Hey..Oh what the hell is tha..."
Iceman - "Pimple"

Person4 - "Hey! Is that a...??"
Iceman - "Yes"

Person5 - "Hey..."
Iceman - "Its called a pimple...GET OVER IT YOU FUCKIN MORON!!"
Person5 - "Relax, I just wanted your bike keys."

So by the end of day 5, to avoid all the shrieking, gasping and fainting -
Iceman - "Make a hole people, big pimple coming through"

And how can I forget this one -
Person6 - "Oh Lord what's that on your neck...oh thank God, it's just your face!"

The horrible little thing had become such a popular figure that they even give it a name -
"The big pimp"
full with celebrity status. Talk about irony! It did everything the opposite of a pimp.

However, the story is not yet over. Turns out the cute chick had actually come to say something to me. But I'm tired of typing today, so I will talk about that one later, even though I hate committing myself to writing about something in the (near) future, so we will see how this one goes.

As for the The Pimple, I must say we Indians are truly sentimental fools. When Mr.Big Pimp, finally found his calling and vanished into oblivion, he was greatly missed at the office. I think they are secretly planning to make him the company mascot with action figures and all. I take it as a sign that I need to change companies soon. Life is back to Black & white, with scratches on film, horrible actors and no sound.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

The world cup - Before the final

Like a good die hard fan, I threw a party at my place after work for both the Ind Vs Aus and the Ind Vs Pak match. It was made of the kinda stuff that gives something to look back at.

First things first, here is the absolutely hilarious photo that went viral the day after the match.

It's a marvellous piece of work. I saw pretty much half the population upload this and comment "What an angle!" "Beautiful photography", but I'm sure the rest of you with above average IQ will figure out that this has been shopped ;) But it's still shit funny eh?

We had shouted so much during and after the Aussie match the neighbours had come out and started staring at us, smoking through their ears. We were inches away from being complained about to the police.

The day before the Pak match, I was unable to sleep. I got up around 2 AM and turned on some sports channels to listen in on some discussions. I was getting pretty tense and wanted to know if there were any updates, clearly there weren't.

On the day of the toss, my tension grew when I learnt we chose to bat instead of field and also played 3 seamers on a spinners track. Turns out it worked well for us because they were trying to go after spinners. A very poor strategy from them. When Afridi was at crease I kept shouting bowl wide and stump him or even better give him a full toss, he can't hit those. Well enough, Bhajji bowled a wide, that didn't work and the next ball, he gave him a full toss which was hit high in the air. All my colleagues jumped and hugged me as I started shouting "Full toss!!!!  Full toss!!!! Full toss!!!!" even before it was caught at mid off.

Earlier in the day, the Indian batting was telecast at the cafe above my office on a giant screen and the cafe was packed with two thousand people. I picked up two empty tumblers and pulled a free table and played some good music for the entire 50 overs until my fingers became red and swollen.

After the victory, I kept wondering if the neighbours will be pissed at me again. To my surprise the whole neighbour had gone crazy. I went shouting up to the terrace only to find every other terrace in sight crowded by people. Some shouting, some bursting crackers. I started yelling at the top of my voice

"Bring on the Lankans!!  Bring-on-the-Lankans BABY!! " while doing the tapanguchi dance and out of nowhere this half naked drunk guy from the next building jumps onto my terrace and runs towards me and hugs me "Thank you man!! Thank you!! I will remember this day forever!! I love you" and I had absolutely nothing to say to him except smile helplessly. :) You can be the biggest physcho around, but even that doesn't prepare you for an emotionally-charged-half-naked drunk.

Some superstitions:
During the Aussie match
One guy forced to watch the match in the sleeping position for whole of Indian innings.
Another was forced to watch it from outside the house, through the window.
And I was asked to swear without pausing for over 15 seconds.

-- All because India lost no wickets when this combination was on.

During the Pak match
The smokers noticed that whenever someone had lit up, a Paki wicket fell. So it was decided that the smokers would take responsibility of the match on their shoulders and ensure at least one of them were lit up for the entire innings.

At home my usual superstitions revolve around me keeping my foot off the ground when the match is going on. All this is surprising because I am not a superstitious person at all, unless cricket is involved!

I'm writing this post barely moments before The Final.
Sangakkara lost the toss, but because of the noise, the coin was tossed again and he won the second time around and chose to bat, as expected. Another spin friendly track, with red soil, but no Ashwin. Nehra, hero of the semi-final has a fractured pinky. So the clown Sreesanth replaces him.

Its a small ground even by standard of the T20 era.

Either ways, we should win this one easily, despite the Lankans being in form. They haven't put up a good show in India in a loooong time. My prediction is that we should chase down whatever they set(260-280) by losing no more than 4 wickets ;)

Lets see how much of this is true in a few hours.

All the best India, bring the cup back home.