Sunday, 29 May 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore Girl

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore (Bengaluru) Girl
'Extinct' species rediscovered:

Bengaluru: Researchers Calvin McNutty and Eddie Hearsvoices, have claimed to have found a rare specimen of a 24-year-old-single-Bengaluru girl recently, while combing through the thick concrete jungles of Bengaluru. The news may come as a pleasant surprise to the thousands of single boys who will drool themselves dry at the prospects. Though, the scientific community had initially been vary and even critical since they doubt the duo's creds.

The search for the species which was funded by The National Geographic, was carried out by the two researchers who are infamous for their claim of finding a live woolly mammoth 5 years ago in Siberia which was found to be just a normal runaway circus elephant with a warm rug on top of it.

Earlier as soon as the news broke out, the entire scientific community had ganged up on McNutty and Hearsvoices, accusing them of giving the whole world a false hope and asked everyone not to get their expectations up. They said, there is no such thing as a 24 year old-single-bengaluru girl, or aliens or Santa Claus and there never will be. They also said that these two researchers were mentally deranged and were on the quest for quick and easy fame.

However, looks like McNutty and Hearsvoices have finally struck gold this time. The girl who is now in a containment facility in the outskirts of Bengaluru was shown by TV cameras to be confirming that she is single. She was shouting "What is this? Why are you doing this to me? Let me out? You can't do this just because I'm single".

McNutty explained how they captured the specimen - "Well, we had our eyes on her for quite a while. She was a regular at the mall. We studied her for a few days. She was attractive but we never saw her with a guy. She could have been a lesbian, but we had to take our chances with her and it paid off in the end. We setup a trap at the coffee shop and waited with a tranquillizer gun. The moment she sat down, I shot her with a strong doze while Hearsvoices ran towards her with a big net. She ran around the shopping mall for about two minutes gradually slowing down at the fourth floor. We had some of the local men to help us with her, because she wasn't going down without a fight."

Dr.Hearsvoices explains the importance of the find - " Yeah, it is a very important discovery. The biggest of my life. I was in tears when we confirmed she was the real specimen. I would like to thank God, my wife, kids and family for standing by me all this while."

He goes on to explain the importance of the find TO THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY - "Oh yeah, this means a lot to the scientific community too, because there is so much we don't know about The 24-yr-old-single-bengaluru girl. Until now, this was just thought to be part of mythology, you know, like the Kraken. Basically we are on the hunt for the gene that can make these girls wait for the right man."

The results of her eye tests and ear tests came out normal, so the theory that she clearly can't hear or see a man around her is ruled out.

"We have collected Blood samples, DNA samples, skin tissue, urine and stool samples" adds McNutty. "We also subjected her to some psychological tests. Turns out she has absolutely NO daddy issues, which could explain a lot about her condition."

When we asked what they planned to do with her Dr.Hearsvoices revealed "Well, basically we are gonna tag her with a radio collar and let her back into the wild."

Initially there were plans of keeping her in the research facility for a longer time and attempt captive breeding so that the species could be kept alive but it was later decided that since the captive breeding programmes are not very successful, she should be let back into the wild.

"This is a very exciting discovery." said Professor Bangsnone, who was not part of the study. "This girl here will unlock a lot of questions about the stone age and how it must have been then."

Though The Daily hypocrite wonders what kind of damage this capture could have done to possibly the only remaining 24-yr-old-single-Bengaluru-girl in the world when we caught up with the girl who appeared very scared and shaken up. This what she had to say to us "I will never be single again. I have learnt my lesson. As soon as I get out of here, I am going to the nearest bar."

The findings are going to be published in a paper in the famous journal - "Science" , in the next edition. You can also  catch the whole action in the Nat Geo Documentary "24 yr old Single Bengaluru girl - Fact or Fiction?" which airs sometime in August. We wish Mr.McNutty and Dr.Hearsvoices all the best for their research.


Sunday, 22 May 2011

The Ten commandments for every Indian going abroad

With apologies to people who feel they have been doing this and thus feel very offended, hurt, blah blah...

The Ten commandments

1) Thou shall update your on line status to "Homesick :(" minutes after landing.

2) Thou shall finally upload a decent picture of yourself, taken abroad.

3) Thou shall attempt to get laid.

4) Thou shall bombard us with updates of every monument you visited abroad, even if you couldn't care less about Indian history and its historical places.

5) Thou shall immediately move people from 'friends' list to the 'acquaintance' list.

6) Thou shall not reply to pings from 'those Indians'.

7) Thou shall post jokes/comments specific to a small group of people.

8) Thou shall talk about how deep you are and how things have changed inside you or remained the same.

9) Thou shall make it a point to repeatedly tell us about how patriotic you are and how you want to do 'something' for your country!

And finally instead of focussing on your studies/job..

10) Thou shall be frustrated to the point of suicide when you find out, that the world doesn't-really-care!!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

The downside of 'Brutally Honest'

Apart from the obvious downsides of being brutally honest like unintentionally hurting the subject, or being hated to the core of their bones and also of being accused of enjoying the brutality more than the honesty itself, I encountered just one more of them a few months ago..
It is the fact that people are just waiting with bated breath for you to make ONE-TEENSIE-WEENSIE mistake and they all come like six-ton rugby players and jump on your ass and squish you like a rat. Then they rip off your soul with their teeth like cooked meat, then they swallow it, then they digest it and then they fart it out with no remorse!

It so happens that one of my friends bought me this really neat shirt for my B'day, last year, that says "I'm cute but psycho"

Yeah Right!!

And after a lot of thought I figured, since its a gift, I will HAVE TO wear it at least once. Especially to a place where you have new friends, since that is where me and my immaculate sense of honesty and sarcasm would have inflicted least damage - My office. Turns out it was a bad idea. Seems like I need less than a few days to "spread the joy". Here are the three things I had to hear the whole day..

They gave a loooong look at the shirt and said:

* "Haha...yes you are a psycho" (This was from the nicer guys and gals.)

* "What were you thinking when you bought that?"  (Some of them)

* " are not cute" (Rest of them)

Unfortunately, they didn't even come close to being as cool as me when they are delivering 'Brutally honest'. If someone had an ugly-ass face and if I were to catch that someone wearing that shirt here is what I would say:

* "Haha cute? Then I'm Pippa Middleton"

* "I'm lost me at cute"

* "What did the shopkeeper say when he saw you pick this shirt?"

* "I agree with your shirt, it IS kinda cute."

Me:  "Hey you are not just cute, you are God Damn Haawt and sizzling sexy. Your booty shivers me timbers"
UglyAssFace: "Haha..come on, are you kidding?"
Me: "Yes, but you started it."

LOSERS! They get one chance and they mess it up. Shut up, sit tight and let the pros do their thing! These guys need a role model.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Happy Bday Miss One hundred


Ok so there is this entire ceremony that is supposed to be done when we have the 100th follower but I had decided against it, because no matter what I do, it seems to be held as boasting.

I do remember when the feature came out, I requested, pleaded and threatened my friends to hit it and raced to something like 8-10. Its taken quite a while to get to 3 figures. I guess I ain't such a good blogger after all Or maybe you have to be a nice guy? ;)

However, Mish, who had turned into my 100th follower yesterday also happens to be having her Bday today. So all the more reason eh? Though she did hit the button without so much as reading the headline of the latest post, which doesn't seem to serve its purpose. Anyway...

Happy B'day Mish have a great year ahead and thnx for the follow to you and the 99 others. You all rock!
Now please don't click un-follow just to piss me off guys :D

And do read the last post! The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity A few reactions won't hurt.