Thursday, 30 June 2011

The Daily Hypocrite #3 - Celebrity News

Ok so The Daily Hypocrite is back with our monthly. This time with some spice from the celebrity world.

Aarakshan production scrapped
There have been reports that the production of  Amitabh Bachchan's Aarakshan had been scrapped but actually the protagonist role is split and altered to two roles for the ramped up version.

The new version will have two female lead roles played by Mallika Sherawat and Jacqueline Fernandez (Because it's hard to find Indian women these days who are ready to play the anything-for-a-big-pay-check kinda roles) and so Aarakshan has now been renamed as "Erection".

I don't mean to boast, but come on, we all knew that sooner or later this change was gonna come up? Badoing!

Shah Rukh Sneezed
Now this may look like an article that was paid to be published by SRK himself but I swear on my left nut

(while sitting in my brand new Ferrari) that this not true and we at The Daily Hypocrite thought it was important enough to ruin your fine morning.

However, coming back to the news doing rounds, SRK sneezed while sitting on his commode today morning, it helped him finish up in just 2.5 seconds. A record in Bollywood. This proves hands down that he is the number one Khan in the industry and especially miles ahead of Salmaan Khan who is a wuss.

 Ra.One Rocks!! Death to all Salmaan fans.

Say no to 'Bollywood'
The angry young man of Hindi Cinema (by angry we mean old and by young we mean sick) Mr.Bachchan reckons that the Hindi film industry should not be referred to as 'Bollywood' since it was a mock name given to the industry after the then much established Hollywood.

So in other words he is saying that the industry is so's losing wood! No pun intended.

Aamir gets busy
Aamir Khan is said to have gotten very busy these days. He spends a lot of time in a tiny dark room at his home. Kiran says he goes in there in the morning after breakfast and comes out only for dinner. We tried to catch up with him, but we got no response. After a lot of persistence, we got his publicist on the phone who said "He is busy cooking up a way to create a massive controversy for the eve of his release of Zakhmi which is due in 2012"

Finally it all made sense. I wonder why we didn't think of that.

"So far he has zeroed in on insulting some of the public figures or naming his pet donkey (from Dobhi Ghaat) after Akshay Kumar or Mr Silent Singh. Suggestions are welcome. Anybody whose suggestion is chosen gets to watch the screening of Zakhmi for free with his donkey."

That man Aamir is such a method actor. We love him. *sniff*

Arnie appears on Jerry Springer

Ahh so this is how it all happened. This secret episode airs next week, but this is how he broke the news.

*Jerry* *Jerry* *Jerry*
Jerry: Hello everyone welcome to today's show. Today we have here with us the Ex Guv of Calif, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Crowd goes wild.

Arnie: Hi Jerry! Good to be here.

Jerry: Good to know that, so why are you here Arnie? What's going on?

*Crowd goes wild for no reason* ... *Then they suddenly become quiet when they realise Jerry hasn't cracked a joke yet*

Arnie: I've been cheating on my wife Maria, Jerry and I think I should come out to her.

Jerry (With a pretty good imitation): Come on do it.

* Out comes Maria *

Maria: What do you mean you are cheating on me?

Arnie: I have also fathered a son with her.

Maria: After all I did for you.

Arnie: Oh come on, I work hard all day, you just lie there! And these people are never gonna let me run for president anyway.

Maria: You never take care of the kids.

Arnie: The sex is not good.

Maria: How could you do this to our children?

Arnie: Give me another chance?

*Jerry interrupts *

Jerry: Whoa, not so fast, we won't have enough content for the show. So who did you cheat with?

Arnie: Oh this Mexican Hippo who used to clean my place.

Jerry: Whats her name?

Arnie: Lets just call her Baby Mama.

Jerry: Ok, lets meet Baby Mama, here she is.

* Crowd goes wild again*

Big Biiiiig woman walks in -Maria attacks Baby Mama - lots of hair pulling - dress pulling - wardrobe malfunctions - Arnie standing in the corner smoking a cigar - And Jerry intervenes...

Jerry: So, Baby Mama, you used to clean his place correct?

Baby Mama: Oh I cleaned more than that.

*Crowd goes wild*

Jerry: Fine, so do you love Arnie?

Baby Mama: Of course I do.

Arnie: But I don't love you. I love Maria.

Maria: But I don't love you.

Jerry: So you love him, and you love her, and she is pissed as hell? Your marriage has just been Terminated, you all go home alone. We will be right back ladies and Gentlemen.


Arnie Trivia for the readers..

Q) If Arnie was screwing around with a  black chick and fathered a son with her...?
A) ...the son would be called SchwarzeNIGGA!


Sunday, 26 June 2011

When is the party happening?


The most logical of decisions when you want to buy something so badly but can't make up your mind whether you want it or need it. Should you go splashing your hard earned money? Is life really worth it only when spent living for someone else?

Will there ever be one of those days when you don't have to compromise? Where you can take a little wild step to the left and another wilder step to the right and get off course on purpose?

Life can be such a bitch sometimes. Along with the big, really important things, it makes you wait for a long time for the simple things that you wanted all the while. Then it gives it to you for a while or makes you think you have it and then suddenly takes it all away. Its like having a really really good dream, but to be woken up by a room-mate to find out you are back in the real world in the middle of the rat race all over again.

Who is it 'saving' anyway?

It is the one reason why we always compromise most of our desires, in hope of a better, stable tomorrow and unfortunately, tomorrow never dies and it never comes.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Just HIT!

* Working the weekend

* Not going home when I want to unwind the most.

* Ass-kissers at work taking all the credit to my work.

* Laptop having one new problem to the already growing list every week. And its my sole source of entertainment lately.

* People really getting on my nerves with the "You did wrong!"s.

* And I am venting my anger by picking up fights with foul-mouthed guys at the toll booth and the loser who lost my favourite pen.

I can turn green and swell any moment and turn into the Hulk.

I need to chill. Iceman...just HIT!

Hang-In-There. This too shall pass.

Monday, 6 June 2011

None the Visor

I tripped while climbing the stairs on my way upto my house last Thursday, fell and broke the visor of my helmet. Was wondering if this 'little' incident was gonna haunt me for a few days to come, like it always does with me, because The universe seems to be ever so busy in cooking up innovative ways to give me headaches through seemingly irrelevant problems.

But as always I decided to not to let this incident bother me too much, that I would get it replaced as soon as possible once I returned home for the weekend. And again as always, I was busy during the first part of the Saturday and couldn't get it fixed.

Again, I decided to ignore the split visor, I mean how hard can it be? What can it possibly do?

Night ride to the betta
It started falling down on to the front every 2 seconds. And since its a dark visor, I had trouble watching the road as soon as it fell down. It once fell when I was overtaking a car and it was a total blackout there. All I could see was a little red tail lamp thankfully, so I managed to move back into the line behind it. After that I realized that I should drive slowly and carefully. Better safe than sorry.

Morning ride to work
My hometown and work-town are three hours apart. Under bright sunny day, there shouldn't be a problem with the visor. Or that's what I thought. Since the visor is split in half and the bolts are holding em on the helmet separately, they kinda dangle a little further down than usual. This creates a gap/opening at the top. So there is a ribbon of sunlight that gets through the helmet onto my face.

I told myself, 'See? A little sunlight, that's good. See the positive side.' and I rode for the next three hours humming my favourite songs starting with 'Nothing else matters - Metallica'.

After I reached office and was making my way upto my floor and to my cubicle, every single person, starting with the security guard to the colleagues seemed to wanna take a second look at me. I thought that it was either because of the ruffled hair which is usual after the ride or maybe I was looking very cute today ( Hey, you can never lose hope man!).

When I reached the rest room and looked in the mirror, I finally realized the 3 hours of sunlight had created a peculiar tan on my face starting from my right temple, over my eyes, ending at my left temple, making me look like frikkin' raccoon!

Damn you Universe!

One of the architects even christened me 'Robin hood'.

I officially declare war on The universe, thus giving rise to the term 'Starting a losing battle'.