Tuesday, 26 November 2013

New Firefox add-on auto-comments on anti-Modi articles, calls author paid media

Helsinki. Finnish software start-up Crowd Tech just released a new Mozilla Firefox add-on that enables users to detect any articles with an opinion against Mr.Narendra Modi and automatically generates and posts a comment against the author after calling them "paid media", while offering other customizable abuses.

The announcement took the social media circles by storm. Most people hailed the effort as timely and supportive towards the "Indian youth", but there were a few people who found it appalling. On the company's Facebook page, which got 800,000 likes within a span of an hour, a certain Ritu Roy commented "A Finnish company making something like this? C'mon guys is this what we have become?". However, within 3 minutes, her comment was bombarded with replies calling her a 'Kangressi', 'Congi' and 'educated illiterate' among other things. We tried to contact her but she has now deleted her Facebook profile.

We later got in touch with the company asking why they chose to release an add-on like this, targeted at Indian consumers when the company calls itself a Mobile Apps developer, Mr Juhani Katainen, CEO of Crowd Tech, replied "Start-ups have a tough time cutting into the market, you need investors, you need to build an image and for that you have to grab attention, we just can't waste our time having a conscience. We studied Google search trends for a while, we realised that the Indian audience was huuge. I mean Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga might have some following, but we needed some real numbers."

Click to enlarge: This development model is a success
"Once we realised we are looking at India, our only problem was choosing between supporters of Shah Rukh Khan, Salmaan Khan and Narendra Modi. Some group called 'Akkians' also showed up, but we never understood what they were talking about."

We decided to put the add-on to test with the help of an ardent NaMo supporter who goes by his Internet alias "I hate sickiluars" , a techie in a reputed software company, to put to test this add-on which has since gained over 847k users, at the time of writing this article and has in a matter of hours climbed to the top of "Most popular" and "Top rated" sections of the Mozilla add-ons page.

"This is a work of art. It has so many features. It can detect any opinion article on any media and tt has such a huge list of abuses starting from ones like 'congi', 'sickular' etc to serious ones like 'Italian b**ch', 'Go back to f***istan you f***ing ISI spy' all vetted with asterix symbol to avoid profanity filters." says our friend with a twinkle in his eyes. "It also seems to have a bit of AI as it suggests '1984' if the article contains '2002' anywhere, 'pappu' in reply to any comment that says 'feku', 'CoalGate/corruption/scam' etc if the article contains 'malnutrition'".

"I think the crowning feature is the auto-comment, where the user doesn't even have to be involved. It leaves a short and crisp 'Paid media' in the comment section of all articles. Sometimes, it leaves this comment on pro-modi articles also,but  I'm sure its a bug that will they fix soon.". Crowd Tech did confirm that they are working on this as a priority.

When asked if he wished for any additional features he was very quick to point out a few "To begin with, it should be 'kangressi' and not 'congressi', the later sounds too polite IMHO. Secondly, it should allow multiple usernames because sometimes we have to leave contradicting comments, like blaming the west, saying they don't understand India, when they call NaMo communal or violent, but embracing articles where they support him", but he sums up with "A lot of people are losing their jobs everyday because they are spending too many office hours searching and commenting on anti-Namo articles, Crowd Tech is doing a really noble job by reducing that time, saves a lot of jobs, I would like to see more add-ons like this".
"Vikas Purush"

Meanwhile, a source from inside Crowd Tech tells us that they are making a mobile app that helps users to write open letters to Pappu, every time he opens his mouth. The last we heard, Chethan Bhagat was very keen on its development. Lets just say that Mr.Modi is 'Vikas Purush' indeed, inspiring such brave new (software) development and not just within India.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Coming home from work


It's been 3 and half years or so since college got over and I started working. I must say its not all that attractive.

Once you are done with work, there is nothing to look forward to coming home. Just come, worry about things

- can I find someone to have a decent conversation with
- how I am gonna get my dinner at this hour
- will the traffic be heavy
- will people I do talk with not talk about just heartbreaks or loans that they took and can't pay off
- will I receive at least one mail where I am not in the bcc
- If I can't have any of the above, can I watch something on my laptop without being disturbed

It was fun in college, coming home. Just me, my rides, my computer games. I didn't have to please anyone self-righteous, I didn't have to be nice nor rude to make my point.

Peace was the last thing I searched for.

I'm still a kid, who liked fairy tales but didn't believe in them.

I'm the kid who has been told that he is a grown up and I can't swallow it.

Monday, 16 September 2013

Aforementioned person in beforementioned resume for your presitigious organisation

I am currently pouring through a few resumes that have been mailed to me by people for an interview at my office. I don't mind poor language, but sometimes, some just strike that crazy chord.

Here, take a look at one that made me cry, I can't make this stuff up:

"Dear sir/madan,

I am myself herewith kindly enclosed inside my resume for your good cansideration..."

*facepalm with napalm*

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Are you going to kill me?

Note: The draft tells me this is a post saved from 3rd February 2011, the time I had been blogging as busily as a dam building beaver on crystal meth. I had probably saved it to publish sometime around march, but forgot about it. Considering the long awkward pause, I figured I would post it now.
I'm too lazy to go through the draft in detail and edit it for current day, so when I say last year, I probably mean 2010.

"Are you going to kill me?"

It started a few days after college was over. I had pretty much nothing to do except write and wonder when I would get a job. It was a non insomnia phase.
(So, basically, proof that my insomnia has nothing to do with any "ups/downs in life" or something 'worrying' as most people simply try to force me to agree with.)
I had been having a recurring dream, every single day. The first and the last recurring dream till date. It lasted for nearly 6 months. The dream was a bit like this.

I am standing in a dark room or garage or something and there is another guy just in front of me holding up a gun right into my face. I could see the gun and his hand and his silhouette, because there was some sunlight pouring in through a window in a wall behind him.
This guy had me check mate. If I moved a finger, it wouldn't take him much to spray my brains all over the place. So as I knew this, I just stand there with my hands up and say

"Are you going to kill me?"

...and I wake up.

The dream never lasted more than a couple of seconds from the start to the finish.

Now this dream bothered me for one and only one reason. No I didn't think I had some mental disease because the dream was so morbid. I was sure it must have been triggered by some action/thriller/heist/crime movie I saw. No, that was not it.
The thing that bothered me was my own words. Are-you-going-to-kill-me? Why on earth did I say that? It sounded like I was submitting to him. If I knew myself, if there was such a situation, I would make a quick movement, just so that I could go on my own terms and go without surrendering.

Huh..are-you-killing-me? "No, I'm just putting this gun in your face for a while to check how long it takes my arm to go to sleep."

So was my real self a meek, no-fight-left guy? Or was the line also part of whatever movie I had watched? Should I even be analysing this dream?
Why was it recurring?

As I said, this went on for about 6 months and until around this time last year when I got the call letter to my current company and I moved to my work city. It didn't take too long for my insomnia to kick back in.

The first day of insomnia, it must have been about 5 in the morning, I drifted into a light drowsy, semi-awake state. Soon enough, I was in the garage again.

Same gun, same window, same position. My hands were up in defense. But something was different. There was something in my hand too.

I had a gun. Without a hint of remorse in my mind, I turned my hand, pointed it at his head, knowing fully well he would react too and I squeezed that trigger with so much anger, hate and revenge, without batting an eyelid as I didn't want to miss a split second of my hunter's hunting. I heard the shot (Which, I'm sure would be much louder in real life) and I saw my wanna-be-killer fly backward into the darkness and slam into the wall behind him with a thud.

That was the last time I had the dream.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Rahul Dravid - Please don't retire

Dravid has a tendency to announce retirements after awesome peaks followed by a few slight lows.

ODI career - Yes, India gave a poor show at the world cup, but India had won matches in rows before that, under his captaincy.

Test career - He had come off one of his best years and then a slump of few matches.

And just in case he follows trends, - Now IPL - Never seen captaincy like this. King maker. Got the best out of the rookies. But lost in the eliminator.

Rahul Dravid, sorry the script didn't come through at your first best shot, but this is where you don't retire and put the peddle to the metal and get the cup next year. Please?

You get the cup, Indian cricket gets the cup. #FuckFixing


And thus the fears have come true. Dravid did announce his retirement :|

Friday, 17 May 2013

Miss Korea

So if you take all the contestants for Miss Korea beauty pageant and put them in one GIF...

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt the long pause on this blog with a (seemingly) racist post (which is not, cause I didn't say anything at all). Now please carry on.

Monday, 18 February 2013

House warming and other pet peeves

It's a well known fact among my near and dear that I generally avoid the never ending pujas and the 'functions' (and methods and procedures) of even my near and dear. Though I should quickly mention, the same should not be mistaken for why I am usually absent from some wedding ceremonies - that almost always is because I have poorly timed my other errands.

But the pujas are a different story.
 * The sthothras and the mantras, the meaning of which have long been forgotten by the people who organise them, with the exception, if at all, by the people who
conduct them.
*The thronging of the sheep, most of who are sweet enough to show moral support by simply showing up, might sometimes seem charitable and narcissistic in its own sense that if they
didn't, God wouldn't rain prosperity on the organiser, or simply on the other hand, that the host would feel disappointed of their absence among the scores that they invited.
*The overwhelming crowd and the inherent attribute of everyone in one to withstand the sea of guests as they wade or back paddle in them.
*The possibly fatal (for me, or even those in my vicinity) insufficient supply of my coffee.
*The need to appease every single node of my overgrown, overly-in-touch family tree, by  acknowledging relatives whose faces (occasionally) are the only thing I remember, not how my dad's distant cousin's wife's younger son's elder daughter,
was ever introduced to me or her name or anything else for that matter, let alone the fact that I have to keep myself from even blinking, as this person who had probably only met me twice before, is asking me the intricate details of my salary and how soon I intended to tie the knot.
The list is inexhaustible.

However, all said and done, there are days when I have to relent. Simply because my mum-and-dad invoke the 'I-am-your-mum/dad-and-thou-shalt-do-as-I-say' rule. Haven't heard of that one?
Well its the second most powerful rule. The first is 'I-am-your-girlfriend' rule, which eventually will be null and void and replaced with 'I-am-your-wife' rule, but that's a discussion for another day.

So, the rule was invoked and my fate for this last Sunday was set - I was going to attend a house warming ceremony at my dad's sister's big ass shop in the neighbouring galaxy.

After 16-17 months of tirelessly searching for a house to buy for my folks, all efforts in vain, there is nothing more relaxing than riding in the sun, on an empty stomach, in Bangalore traffic, through the Mysore road, for 33 kilometers, so that I could sit inside an unventillated room, with the sunfacing side covered only by glass, among 200 other people engulfed by the smoke from the holy homa and think about how I could have been sitting in my own house warming ceremony instead.

Oh I forgot, the babies who cry like there is no tomorrow- music to the ears. They add that little zing to the entire episode.

How? How do you people do it? Do you take something to endure this? Is it ingested orally? Tell me your secret!!